trying to go to sleep earlier is helping me tons.
i need and value sleep.
i value mornings.

i got to talk face to face with my good friend's Chris and Will.
Chris is like the male version of me, so it's extremely good and fun to be around him.
I had a super bad attitude at work and was moping around everywhere because there is not a lot of actual work to do, because i am already ahead. Planning for the future is what i am all about at 26! any-who.

Chris asked me what was wrong and i was sitting with Will and i said: "i don't want to talk about it!" he responded with, "then it is not going to get any better and you're just going to feel worse."

so i cried in front of them and told them all about life, basically about everything.
it's not like i'm ignoring God, but i just needed to tell a person. Which is so valuable and beautiful and scary all at the same time.

which i guess is like life.

anyway, their response was "that is hard and that sucks."

and that was basically it, they just listened and loved me.

then me and chris went to whole foods for lunch (aka the happiest place on earth) we ate outside and laughed at dumb things and went back to work.

Both of these men reminded me that there are people everywhere, that i'm not the only one who has experienced rejection, and that the enemy wants us to feel terrible and keep all our things to ourselves.

I love exposing the lies, seeing the truth, and being honest.

when i'm not choosing honesty, i cut myself so deeply.
i love when people genuinely care for me.

I've decided that i need to come to a point where i genuinely care for other's again, deeply from my heart.

i love my long distance friendships and my ability to have so many, it's such a blessing and privilege (also its hard for me to spell the word privilege. i want to spell it priviledge pretty much everytime!)

but i need to try and keep communicating, keep living and breathing, keep a list of things i am grateful for and keep meeting and living life with the Lord.

also, trying to enjoy the process of vulnerability in this community that i'll be leaving again.

life is always busy and always full.

how will we challenge one another to stop and breathe? take it all in? and keep moving forward.


just a few more thoughts from this week.

thankful tonight for:
my volcano candle that i bought myself for my birthday (best smells come from anthropologie + it was free shipping....so perfect!)
my warm bed
my new sweatshirt from Paul that he found at work.
my knitted socks from bethany
the support of my mother, who cares for me so much
western toilets
clean water
not crying today! (first time in a couple weeks! progress)
texting friends
chipped nail polish
the sunshine and blue sky
laughing with Ruth in the car
being silly
helping someone else think of details.
knowing the answer to things
understanding myself a little more than i did yesterday.

* oh praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead.*

holiday blues.


this year has been amazing, being able to go to the philippines with my team of five other people.

i knew it was important that i lead a team. it was such a privilege to be the primary leader of a trip and so crazy to lead alone. I have been to other countries and assisted teams, but its completely different when you lead alone.

I learned a lot about myself, desires and passions i had put to rest.

talking with friends, i've realized that i have been put in a box of "this is all i can do"
i put myself in that box for fear of change.
man, am i thankful i made myself get over it.

I learned my deep need for community and i learned a different level of vulnerability that i have never known before. I learned a lot about communication and how to love. I am still learning those last two things, a lot.

My team blessed me so much and showed me new characteristics of God. They showed me that vulnerability is necessary at times, that honesty is very important, that believing in myself is vital and that it is okay to have emotions.

I have never laughed or cried as much as my time spent in the Philippines.

Our time in our first location seemed a bit more low key in comparison to the hustle and bustle in Manila.
Manila was spent doing day care ministry and youth group ministry as well as home visits in essentially, what we call "the projects" here, but its much much worse there.
everything around us in Tondo, the location of "the projects" smelled of garbage. It was very dirty and people's main jobs and way of living was scavenging for scraps of garbage. They would sell it on the street and "make a living" when in reality they all barely scrape by. It's crazy.
They have families that they need to provide for, make sure get to school. A lot of the time they're not able to send their kids to school because of finances. if they have a need for health care, which most of them do because of tuberculosis and other illnesses that are common in that area, they must pay for it up front.
This is difficult and next to impossible because of finances.

I saw that education is extremely needed in these places.
Which made me think of the importance of community development.


anyway.

just going through a lot of processing, processing loss and embracing it. having a grateful heart for all the beautiful experiences i've had thus far in life.

curious for the future and choosing to trust the One who holds my heart.

life changes quickly
it moves by quickly
and suddenly, you're an adult. (?)

i am the only one responsible for myself.

it's interesting, decisions you get to make, things that force you
to grow whether you believe you are "ready" or not.

and how it molds you and pushes you closer to who you truly are.

i'm thankful for challenges.
i'm thankful that sometimes things are not simple//

reality sets in slowly..

in twelve days i will leave the states
and go live in the philippines for seven weeks.

i get to see new roads
new faces
make new friends
experience something completely different.

it's all set up

i just need to keep breathing and trusting and believing.

thankful that my job is to cling to the rock that is higher than me.

thankful for new music
thankful for beautiful people...

and for peaceful sleep.

so far this weekend has been wonderful.

stayed the night with my cousin, always refreshing...
read a book
ate a bagel
had to clean, but didn't take too long.

watched too much greys.
trying to stay out of the heat.
I am very ready for winter.


kinda unbelievable that soon i'm leaving for the Philippines! finally got the visas back. I'm so thankful to have that piece to the puzzle together.

kinda in love with my team. six beautiful people that get to experience new culture with me and immerse ourselves in that culture and learn what it looks like to best love that culture.
AHHHH!!

stoked.

things i'm not doing so well at currently are:

keeping in touch with anyone.
staying awake. -> i'm so sleepy a lot of the time. this is the second week in a row i've been feeling so tired, but it's such a GOOD tired.


ps
kinda funny how i hate summer so much but volunteered myself for an extra two months of it.

summer is halfway over.

our new quarter began last monday at work and it's been an incredible week!

I feel so honored and blessed to have three girls in my small group. i'm so thankful
i took the time to myself for the past six months, to learn what it means to rest and do one thing well.

This weekend i've been semi busy, but not too bad. At this point in life i'm recognizing the importance of letting my yes be yes and my no be no.

this makes me think a little longer to commit to something, but it's also nice to think of other's more than me.

I feel like a lot of things are transitioning, with my sister moving to Colorado, just within a five minute drive of me...it's amazing! I've been appreciating my housemates and keeping a full schedule.

Today has been very restful.

restart button

i've been talking so much about what i want to do.
i've been thinking and talking about redoing my room for a few months now...

and the other night, i was fast asleep, woke up wide awake & checked my wall to make sure a picture hadn't fallen down, the one of me and my grampa. then as i lay back down i said out loud, i miss my grampa. i still miss you.

it was strange.

it feels good to take down everything from my walls and restart. i'm going to put my pictures back up and not have them so scattered.

i love the feeling of newness.
i keep writing that change is positive.

i'm believing in good things for my future and am comforted by the verse

surely goodness & mercy will follow me, all the days of my life.

it's incredible that goodness is paired with mercy, as if He knows how much we'll need both. mercy has helped get me through the hard nights and goodness has filled my days with positivity and life.

i feel rested. it's weird not being afraid of tears anymore. they used to keep me there.

in releasing them, i don't feel trapped or ashamed of weakness. i feel powerful to make the choice to release.
tomorrow will be spent eating good food for breakfast. baking. and finishing up my room project.
i'm filling my walls with pictures. hung a lot nicer than before...being more thought out...and putting up words that inspire me...cards people have written with amazing insights on them.

i went through boxes of my old things. boxes of my life as a kid, report cards, then i got to my teen years and found my old writing. i was so emotional all the time and very intense. i guess that's just how it goes. it was kind of embarrassing, but at the same time...not really.
i don't know.
when i was younger people said they liked me because i was funny and nice.
i wonder if it's still true today?

i appreciate people in my life who know me; truly, and aren't afraid of getting to know people deeply.

i feel tired of shallow relationships

i feel tired of words.

i'm refreshed and rejuvenated after a time of being home with family
and refreshed today after sleeping in and hanging out with friends last night.

sometimes i wonder if people know how truly valuable they are...that it doesn't matter what they do, but rather who they are that counts the most.

i want the people i'm around to know they are loved. to know they can be honest and themselves all the time. that it won't matter what they say, but that it's okay to be themselves.

i'm really grateful for a mellow day. i'm looking forward to getting everything accomplished at work. i'm looking forward to sleeping in my clean room. finishing un packing and learning to stop pressuring myself, but just to take deeper breaths.