thankful for
gramma's ring
navy blue dress that i'm going to wear tomorrow.

quiet and peace.
having a long conversation and catching up with kelly.
laughing.
catching up on shows.

choosing to embrace peace rather than allow anxiety to enter in.
my health
black nails.
bhakti chai.
leftovers for lunch
wildflowers
rivers
tom sawyer
meeting new people
making friends
having some space to myself

setting new goals
not being overcome by goals, but learning to embrace them.

not being afraid of direction
coffee this morning
not being late to work
freshness, newness.
fall

i didn't know i was brave, until someone told me.

moving my life into a new place, uprooting myself to root myself deeper in life…takes courage and bravery.
it's been an emotional ride, to say the least.

i tend to avoid my feelings when they're not sunshine and golden, because i feel, guilty? not sure if that's the right word to describe it.
but my feelings are valid, things are hard when you move.
right now i'm in process of feeling settled into my new home, my new city.
i want to explore, but it's taken me a while to actually feel READY. ready to venture out, meet new people and put myself out there.

there's so much safety in things i've known. i've felt comfortable in my old home, when i moved there six years ago i knew i would be surrounded by quite a few friends, and had family 30 minutes from my home.

now i'm here, back to the beginning…to hard memories, and to realizing how much healing has occurred in my life over the years.

i uprooted myself to go deeper into adventures with the Lord, learning more of myself and true character, but mainly just following and learning to trust. to practice trusting and to rely more on the Lord.

i'm learning to celebrate things, even small things..at this point in life even the small things are pretty big.
for instance: i went to church tonight and said hi to someone. i celebrated that.

i then went to a friend's house and listened to her story of the adventure she had last week…then i shared where i was at. I ended up staying late, even though it wasn't in my normal schedule i've set up for myself…

moving is hard, restarting is hard. but being known by others in a new context feels good. it's just getting to a point of being ready to get to know new people. and to find a steady rhythm in my new life out here.

so many things twist and turn throughout the journey. my consistency is in Jesus and the way He shows himself constantly faithful and beautiful. i know it's not much for this blog post, but hopefully there will be more to write in a bit.

TRANSITION

transition has always been a bit uncomfortable…however, it's always a new opportunity for growth.

i arrived in portland easter sunday, to a house full of people! talk about instant community!
:)
it was actually very refreshing after ten straight hours alone in the car to be surrounded by people and laughter.

This week's weather is looking to be amazing, so i'm excited to get outside and do some much needed exploring, meeting up with old friends, hopefully making new ones, and trying to be as social as my introvert self can handle.

I'm excited to see what all will come out of my time here in Oregon and feel super blessed to be back in the place i grew up in. I'm excited to get reacquainted with this place.

trying to go to sleep earlier is helping me tons.
i need and value sleep.
i value mornings.

i got to talk face to face with my good friend's Chris and Will.
Chris is like the male version of me, so it's extremely good and fun to be around him.
I had a super bad attitude at work and was moping around everywhere because there is not a lot of actual work to do, because i am already ahead. Planning for the future is what i am all about at 26! any-who.

Chris asked me what was wrong and i was sitting with Will and i said: "i don't want to talk about it!" he responded with, "then it is not going to get any better and you're just going to feel worse."

so i cried in front of them and told them all about life, basically about everything.
it's not like i'm ignoring God, but i just needed to tell a person. Which is so valuable and beautiful and scary all at the same time.

which i guess is like life.

anyway, their response was "that is hard and that sucks."

and that was basically it, they just listened and loved me.

then me and chris went to whole foods for lunch (aka the happiest place on earth) we ate outside and laughed at dumb things and went back to work.

Both of these men reminded me that there are people everywhere, that i'm not the only one who has experienced rejection, and that the enemy wants us to feel terrible and keep all our things to ourselves.

I love exposing the lies, seeing the truth, and being honest.

when i'm not choosing honesty, i cut myself so deeply.
i love when people genuinely care for me.

I've decided that i need to come to a point where i genuinely care for other's again, deeply from my heart.

i love my long distance friendships and my ability to have so many, it's such a blessing and privilege (also its hard for me to spell the word privilege. i want to spell it priviledge pretty much everytime!)

but i need to try and keep communicating, keep living and breathing, keep a list of things i am grateful for and keep meeting and living life with the Lord.

also, trying to enjoy the process of vulnerability in this community that i'll be leaving again.

life is always busy and always full.

how will we challenge one another to stop and breathe? take it all in? and keep moving forward.


just a few more thoughts from this week.

thankful tonight for:
my volcano candle that i bought myself for my birthday (best smells come from anthropologie + it was free shipping....so perfect!)
my warm bed
my new sweatshirt from Paul that he found at work.
my knitted socks from bethany
the support of my mother, who cares for me so much
western toilets
clean water
not crying today! (first time in a couple weeks! progress)
texting friends
chipped nail polish
the sunshine and blue sky
laughing with Ruth in the car
being silly
helping someone else think of details.
knowing the answer to things
understanding myself a little more than i did yesterday.

* oh praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead.*

holiday blues.


this year has been amazing, being able to go to the philippines with my team of five other people.

i knew it was important that i lead a team. it was such a privilege to be the primary leader of a trip and so crazy to lead alone. I have been to other countries and assisted teams, but its completely different when you lead alone.

I learned a lot about myself, desires and passions i had put to rest.

talking with friends, i've realized that i have been put in a box of "this is all i can do"
i put myself in that box for fear of change.
man, am i thankful i made myself get over it.

I learned my deep need for community and i learned a different level of vulnerability that i have never known before. I learned a lot about communication and how to love. I am still learning those last two things, a lot.

My team blessed me so much and showed me new characteristics of God. They showed me that vulnerability is necessary at times, that honesty is very important, that believing in myself is vital and that it is okay to have emotions.

I have never laughed or cried as much as my time spent in the Philippines.

Our time in our first location seemed a bit more low key in comparison to the hustle and bustle in Manila.
Manila was spent doing day care ministry and youth group ministry as well as home visits in essentially, what we call "the projects" here, but its much much worse there.
everything around us in Tondo, the location of "the projects" smelled of garbage. It was very dirty and people's main jobs and way of living was scavenging for scraps of garbage. They would sell it on the street and "make a living" when in reality they all barely scrape by. It's crazy.
They have families that they need to provide for, make sure get to school. A lot of the time they're not able to send their kids to school because of finances. if they have a need for health care, which most of them do because of tuberculosis and other illnesses that are common in that area, they must pay for it up front.
This is difficult and next to impossible because of finances.

I saw that education is extremely needed in these places.
Which made me think of the importance of community development.


anyway.

just going through a lot of processing, processing loss and embracing it. having a grateful heart for all the beautiful experiences i've had thus far in life.

curious for the future and choosing to trust the One who holds my heart.

life changes quickly
it moves by quickly
and suddenly, you're an adult. (?)

i am the only one responsible for myself.

it's interesting, decisions you get to make, things that force you
to grow whether you believe you are "ready" or not.

and how it molds you and pushes you closer to who you truly are.

i'm thankful for challenges.
i'm thankful that sometimes things are not simple//

reality sets in slowly..

in twelve days i will leave the states
and go live in the philippines for seven weeks.

i get to see new roads
new faces
make new friends
experience something completely different.

it's all set up

i just need to keep breathing and trusting and believing.

thankful that my job is to cling to the rock that is higher than me.

thankful for new music
thankful for beautiful people...

and for peaceful sleep.

so far this weekend has been wonderful.

stayed the night with my cousin, always refreshing...
read a book
ate a bagel
had to clean, but didn't take too long.

watched too much greys.
trying to stay out of the heat.
I am very ready for winter.


kinda unbelievable that soon i'm leaving for the Philippines! finally got the visas back. I'm so thankful to have that piece to the puzzle together.

kinda in love with my team. six beautiful people that get to experience new culture with me and immerse ourselves in that culture and learn what it looks like to best love that culture.
AHHHH!!

stoked.

things i'm not doing so well at currently are:

keeping in touch with anyone.
staying awake. -> i'm so sleepy a lot of the time. this is the second week in a row i've been feeling so tired, but it's such a GOOD tired.


ps
kinda funny how i hate summer so much but volunteered myself for an extra two months of it.

summer is halfway over.

our new quarter began last monday at work and it's been an incredible week!

I feel so honored and blessed to have three girls in my small group. i'm so thankful
i took the time to myself for the past six months, to learn what it means to rest and do one thing well.

This weekend i've been semi busy, but not too bad. At this point in life i'm recognizing the importance of letting my yes be yes and my no be no.

this makes me think a little longer to commit to something, but it's also nice to think of other's more than me.

I feel like a lot of things are transitioning, with my sister moving to Colorado, just within a five minute drive of me...it's amazing! I've been appreciating my housemates and keeping a full schedule.

Today has been very restful.

restart button

i've been talking so much about what i want to do.
i've been thinking and talking about redoing my room for a few months now...

and the other night, i was fast asleep, woke up wide awake & checked my wall to make sure a picture hadn't fallen down, the one of me and my grampa. then as i lay back down i said out loud, i miss my grampa. i still miss you.

it was strange.

it feels good to take down everything from my walls and restart. i'm going to put my pictures back up and not have them so scattered.

i love the feeling of newness.
i keep writing that change is positive.

i'm believing in good things for my future and am comforted by the verse

surely goodness & mercy will follow me, all the days of my life.

it's incredible that goodness is paired with mercy, as if He knows how much we'll need both. mercy has helped get me through the hard nights and goodness has filled my days with positivity and life.

i feel rested. it's weird not being afraid of tears anymore. they used to keep me there.

in releasing them, i don't feel trapped or ashamed of weakness. i feel powerful to make the choice to release.
tomorrow will be spent eating good food for breakfast. baking. and finishing up my room project.
i'm filling my walls with pictures. hung a lot nicer than before...being more thought out...and putting up words that inspire me...cards people have written with amazing insights on them.

i went through boxes of my old things. boxes of my life as a kid, report cards, then i got to my teen years and found my old writing. i was so emotional all the time and very intense. i guess that's just how it goes. it was kind of embarrassing, but at the same time...not really.
i don't know.
when i was younger people said they liked me because i was funny and nice.
i wonder if it's still true today?

i appreciate people in my life who know me; truly, and aren't afraid of getting to know people deeply.

i feel tired of shallow relationships

i feel tired of words.

i'm refreshed and rejuvenated after a time of being home with family
and refreshed today after sleeping in and hanging out with friends last night.

sometimes i wonder if people know how truly valuable they are...that it doesn't matter what they do, but rather who they are that counts the most.

i want the people i'm around to know they are loved. to know they can be honest and themselves all the time. that it won't matter what they say, but that it's okay to be themselves.

i'm really grateful for a mellow day. i'm looking forward to getting everything accomplished at work. i'm looking forward to sleeping in my clean room. finishing un packing and learning to stop pressuring myself, but just to take deeper breaths.

sometimes i am scared of emotions because i know they hurt sometimes.


i can't believe a bunch of kids woke up yesterday ate breakfast went to school to learn and were murdered.

i can't believe a bunch of kids woke up yesterday, ate breakfast, stood outside and lined up for school and were stabbed.

i can't believe that once people are gone...all you have left are memories and paper.


that's all you get.

i'm so thankful for friendship and family.

I'm thankful to be loved so deeply by the Lord. I'm thankful for the song "mango tree" by angus & julia stone

i'm thankful for a day of sleeping in.
allowing emotions to surface.
going home in six days.
knowing beautiful people and being loved by family...
getting to hug a stranger today & hopefully make them feel loved.

i just want to love better.

i'm disappointed in myself, i guess. for not always doing my best.

i'm thankful for people who saw me when i was hurting badly and didn't even know it myself. because of those people, i'm alive today.

i'm thankful for iron + wine pandora station, stress relief candles, clean water to drink, and having peace.

i'm thankful for laughter. i'm thankful for my godson, who just found out i'm his godmother (a few days ago) and was excited. that everytime i talk with him he asks me where my dinosaur is....his memory. his laughter, silliness.

i'm thankful for my smallest friends and all they've taught me throughout the years.

i'm thankful for people i've met and have yet to meet.
that i can choose to love.

::currently::

feeling: refreshed. spent monday in the mountains with friends...oh man, good for the soul.

listening to: chuck ragan, loud harp & keeping the ipod on shuffle. (living life on the edge)

reading: minding frankie and the alchemist. every time i pick up the alchemist i like to have my journal with me to write down a quote from the book.
Here is one i really enjoy.

"at that point in their lives, everything is clear and everything is possible. They are not afraid to dream, and to yearn for everything they would like to see happen to them in their lives. but, as time passes, a mysterious force begins to convince them that it will be impossible for them to realize their personal legend."

learning: how to dream and knowing that dreaming is good. i have, unforunately, lived the majority of my life with a fatalistic mindset and i am unlearning that to relearn the child like life.

thinking about: taking time for myself and valuing who i am more...taking time to feed my soul. and keeping in touch with long distance friends and family.

thankful: for facetime, texting, days off where i can adventure and be at peace in a new setting. dreaming and not being afraid, while still be a little afraid...red nail polish! glitter and red lip stick. and earl grey tea this morning. what a blessing.


happy wednesday! i love you.

i never thought i'd be a girl who cries in parking lots, but i am that girl. I received a card from my aunt filled with photos of my family and it just made me cry and it was so beautiful to be alone, in my car, letting my tears come. to have family so beautiful, as my very own...and the memories of love and life that go along with that...it so amazing. I feel honored, to have my family as my very own. forever. I am reminded of a teaching of the unexpected tears and how we need to just let them come. I think my pride is breaking down and my eyes are being opened that emotions will not destroy me, being emotional is healthy and sometimes you just need to release your emotions. I'm so grateful that i am not a robot, that i have made the conscience decision to allow myself to feel. I lived halfway of my life trying and pushing away from the emotions, because they felt so deep and were so deep and still are so deep, but there is so much beauty amidst it all. Overall, just feeling grateful and astonished and peaceful, in a way.

rip tide.

thoughts come out the most at night, but for whatever reason i stop them from getting onto paper. or at least lately, i haven't given myself permission. maybe because i am ridiculous.. yes, most likely. okay so tonight i wrote a letter and while writing i was reminded of my Dad. I do not have many memories and they are mostly scattered because i do not give myself time and space to really think and remember. As a kid i went to too many counseling sessions and was made to remember my Father. I think this has deterred me as an adult. that i want to now, and of course now, i cannot. how sad...but whatever. I tried falling back asleep after the tears came and my mind remember one of the most important men of my adult life: my Grandfather. Literally one of the best men i know. He took all of us grandkids out to Maui for a week as a special treat. to be together and eat yummy food and be in the ocean (again, one of my most favorite things). One day, while at the beach he warned me of the rip tide, that it flows underneath the water and to be aware of it, because if i swim and get caught, then it takes you under etc etc. I listened, but maybe i didn't and maybe i was too persistent that i should still be in the water? i can't remember. I DO however, remember. getting caught up in it. I was so scared and completely pulled under. maybe for five minutes. I think he pulled me out, i was crying (most likely) and it's interesting looking back and thinking about it. He warned me because he loved me so much and didn't want to see me get hurt, but still i went for it. I don't know what the point of this story is yet, but maybe i'll get clarity in the morning. I guess it just feels good to be so loved by someone that they want to help you, save you from the scary parts of life. I realized tonight as i cried about missing my Dad, that the memories no longer unravel who i am as a human being. That grief is still a part of my life, but it is not my entire being. and it cannot be, because I experience joy. That i traded my ashes for beauty. and that's what i wear now. That my emotions throughout life have been valid. that at some moments i let them overtake me and drown me a little, because i needed it. To learn, to learn that life will get messy and you lose your breath, for five minutes or five months, but that you regain composure and you learn from each circumstance. You learn who you are as a person. You learn to appreciate the gift of relationship with your family, your friends, your work colleagues, etc. You learn to appreciate the beauty of each day, because whether we like it or not, we only get one life to live. (omg, soap opera). And what good is it if we waste it feeling overwhelmed. you know? not like it's bad to be overwhelmed but i hate the days where i feel overly sad. Not to say those things are real, they are, those days exist because pain is real. But the thankful heart brings me back. thankful to have known such beautiful people. To have had the chance of having a Dad who loved me, a grampa who cared enough to warn me of the scary things and dangerous things in life. a friend who would always send an encouraging text or voicemail just because, and uncle who always hugged me extra tightly and called me sweetheart, and a friend who always said that I'm beautiful and listened to my sadness and helped me walk through it. Even when i guess i couldn't help enough, couldn't say enough of how beautiful and perfect she was. that the sadness and darkness overcame her. that she is gone forever and I've lost yet another beautiful soul to this world. But the thing is: these people have helped show me who i am, they told me things about myself that i may have not seen otherwise. That it was okay to be vulnerable with them. And that the rip tide took me under for a while, in this life. But i am a stronger woman because of it and i can't help but shout that I'm grateful for the life i get to live each day. That i don't want to squander it or anything. That i can't help but tell everyone how much a i love them. I don't care how much i already tell my friends but i just want to keep telling them, because they are beautiful creatures and because this is our life. okay, end of random post. love love.

thursday

today's goodness. wearing SLIPPERS! for the 2nd night in a row. relaxing to new music. laughing a lot. being silly and ridiculous and knowing it is one hundred percent okay. seven other people possibly wanting to go to brazil with me. :) chipped nail polish. comfy socks. wearing the best sweater of all days today. feeling COZY and not SWEATY! yayyaya. OH and hot coffee this morning. being loved by a Lord who knows me inside and out and it's just like: oh, hey! no big deal. lets keep going on rad adventures together because that's my heart for you and how i made you. and Him being SO freaking patient with me. to come to a better understanding of myself in Him... these lyrics: "hold on i feel like you could shine a little brighter, my love just like you did when you were younger underneath the copper wires and the floor boards that creep, i hope you never end." ::pioneers, by the lighthouse and the whaler::

relaxing is actually hard for me to do. at the end of my week i want to hang out with friends and i do, but sometimes i just chill in my house and watch tv on my laptop. I know it won't necessarily benefit me, but it feels so good to stop my brain. unless...my mind wants to just stop. which it has lately. lately, i've been realizing that yes, watching tv is nice, but to value the silence. my roommate ran a half marathon on saturday and then trevor hall play a few songs afterward. ((love his voice)) anyway, waking up early on saturday took the life out of me. (hilarious, right?) so i was reading and then i fell asleep. no music was playing, there was no noise. it was just silent. it was nice. i don't give myself enough room to solely enjoy a moment. i have to take a picture, or show someone or do something....but i think lately i've realized that it's important to just treasure moments. i'll still be the girl wanting to take a picture to capture the moment, but every now and then i want to try and just...chill out. relax. realize that life is very special and to realize that. it's all going to be okay. in the long run of everything, with all the nutty-ness of a week. all the conversations i'll have to have. with everything and anything. it will all work out. it will all be beautiful. it's just how i'll choose to see the beauty. I don't embrace stress or anxiety. I walk in peace and embrace peace. casting my cares on the one who cares most. and giving myself rest from everything. trusting in the One most consistent and persistent is special. life is a gift. it's just taking the time away from the noise. taking it all away and just being here. it's good. more thoughts later this week. xo

When i was in Israel. We spent a day in Tel Aviv at the beach. We layed in the sun. I learned that spray on sunscreen actually needs to be rubbed in. We laughed and relaxed and napped all day. I swam in the Mediterranean. Pretty much all day. and got burnt like a little lobster. The ocean & the sea. Swimming brings so much release. It makes me think of being a kid, makes me feel younger, it fills me with joy. It shows me how blessed i am every time i get to go. Just thinking about the ocean tonight and how much i love it.

Revelations while texting.

revelation i received while texting my friend today. and first of all, God is growing my faith. it is a beautiful process. it is a lovely thing. He is so faithful. Here's what i realized today: I prayed for healing for her body completely and she's going in to see if her white blood cells went up or down or whatever. I just don't want her to have pain and cancer anymore. And it's totally Jesus because i've not believed in healing before but the Holy Spirit has totally shown me through being in the middle east that JEsus truly did do all of it for us to live in freedom on earth. And the Father taught us to pray: thy kingdom come thy will be done on earth as in heaven, which means our bodies should be in full alignment with His Spirit, so that we can live life and life abundantly everyday. It's crazy because God is growing me in my faith and building it up. I realize that it is new, but i realize also that His mercy's are new every single morning. Which means that when i wake up i have a new opportunity to see through His perspective. This means i get to see EVERYTHING through his eyes. If i don't like my body or whatever it may be, i can just ask Him what He sees. I get to ask Him if there's something specific He has for me. I like Him because He really is the nicest man i know. i like him because He is the ultimate patience in life. I'm realizing that i am a human being guided by His Spirit. the Spirit of the sovereign Lord is upon me to preach good news. this means i must apply action. I do not want to use words, i just want to be love to those i meet. The most impactful relationships i have had in my 24 years are the ones who don't necessarily speak often, but they show me they love me. i realize the importance of action. after all, it's the way you live, not the way you speak that counts. (James 3) just a few thoughts that i wanted to share. Thanks for taking time out of your day to read these words. I pray that it refreshes your soul. and that it makes you ask more questions. The best thing about God (or one of the things i'm appreciating at this moment) is that He doesn't get wary of listening to our questions and He doesn't mind that they come in the trillions. He likes you a lot. Happy Tuesday dear ones.

reflecting on the middle east. i've just begun my reflection time beginning last week and into this week. i will post things i've learned through many people and many circumstances. but tonight i am here to write about one of my best friends. to my Nicky, first of all, how did i get so blessed and so lucky to have you as my sister? You have such a strength within you that i don't see in many people. You love bravely and give so much of yourself to others. You give your time, you give your resources, you are constantly giving your best for others. you are a true friend, you are a true light in this world. you choose to see the best in people. you are very honest, which is one of my favorite things in another person. i admire that in you. i admire your ability to see a weakness and choose to correct it, then move on with the Lord. I love that you are not afraid to be beautiful, i love that you're pushing forward amidst storms and chaos. i love that you choose to believe, even when you can't necessarily see or understand, you keep your feet planted in the rock who's higher than you. i love that you are bold. i love that only YOU can make me laugh so hard and i love the connection we have. i thank God for you everyday, because you push me to be a better woman. Thank you for being such an example of grace to me Nic, i love you truly and from the bottom of my heart. my prayer for you this beautiful first year of your TWENTIES! (when did we get so old?) is that you open up your heart even more to receive this crazy good love our Father has for us. That He enriches you with wisdom and blesses you with more JOY. and that you understand him more and more as Your redeemer and that you feel goodness wash over you. remember honey: i carry your heart. always. xo allison lois harrison