Praying for my lovely friend Emma this week as she is waiting on her CNA license to come through so that she can work at the hospital this week!!!
I love that He's faithful.....

i will write more once i have some time. I am off to class to see the creative presentations that the students have worked so hard on!!!

jeez louise.


i want to go on a walk, but it is very cold outside and i know that Lori doesn't want to go with me. because i have already asked her like 5 times, within five minutes...somehow, she still loves me.
I really appreciate her friendship, because we can always be silly together. I love being silly with people. especially because it makes me realize just how weird i really am. I think i am missing my cell phone today, because i sent myself a text message from Lori's phone. the text reads: Hey best friend, i hope you're having the best night of your life, even though i won't go on a walk with you, because i am a pansy. love you! ...I do love it, and i think Lori does too...haha. Seriously, i love her a lot & watch football with her, because i love her.





This past week was super busy and challenging for me. I'm adjusting big time to living up at Eagle Rock *the mountain campus* It's gorgeous and i LOVE the mountain air, but it is 24/7 work. I sat in class a lot this past week, because it was bonding week...and it was so interesting hearing all the students stories. I haven't shared mine yet, but i hope to soon. I can't expect people to do something if i am not doing it as well. *like sharing and what-not*
Vulnerability, at times, can be the hardest thing for me. Its hard to talk about life things, because it can bring all of it back to me. I think it is healthy though & at times beneficial.
Things change so much in life. Its crazy, to think that these past few months have been full of change, just in small ways...God is so good to me, to stay the same and not shift on me. It would hurt so badly if he changed on me, so i'm glad he doesn't. It's comforting and i love that.

Sometimes i like when relationships change...like the broken relationships *or the ones i thought were broken* in reality, they are just in repair. Kind of like stitches, because they come closer and closer to restoration each day...it is just a slow moving process. But i guess it's good to take the time, sometimes. I love that God loves reconciliation, because it is amazing. It makes me be a humbler (i doubt that is a word) person. And i need less of me, because i am selfish and i don't like it. I don't want to be as selfish all the time. Sometimes i feel like i get wrapped up in all the things i want, rather than seeing God and talking and asking what He may want. How he wants relationships to work, how i can love better, etc.

2 in one week?!

i feel so loved by Jesus. Its like: i know who He is, but its been glimpses. I feel tonight this overwhelming sense of love. I keep crying, i guess it's tears of joy...knowing more of His heart for my life. for our future together...I keep hearing Him say that He is deeply satisfied with me. Its just crazy how loved we really are; each of us loved so much by the Creator. I love that He loves us so much that he wants to speak through us, to bring life to dead places. to bring hope to hopeless. to stomp out injustices and let purity triumph
its insane, really, it is.

My best friend has never screwed me over, never trampled on my heart, never abandoned me in darkest emptiest times of my life. His hands have always been guarding my heart. His whispers were there to guide me with the things that scared me, with the things that still scare me at times. It feels like i'm able to embrace more of Him, trust more of Him, and love more of Him.

Its so good. This life i get to live...
He brings reconciliation to areas of my life and heart i didn't think could be touched. And THAT brings joy into my life. Like a bit more joy and less of the bitterness that used to so easily entangle who I truly am. A joyful girl, a strong woman, a loved daughter...Just so loved.
Someone prayed over me a long time ago that i would see God in each situation of extreme hurt. The indescribable kind. And i did at the time. But now, its like i can sense it all. It is so overwhelming hearing His song in my ears. It is so beautiful. And it probably isn't all of it, but it is so amazing. In my areas of weakness His strength pushes me through and He's shown me how to stand. Its so cool, to be loved unconditionally. I still don't understand...

He's so good. so so good.

responsibility

...I went to Portland two weeks ago with some friends. It was amazing being back in the city i grew up in. My childhood was spent in a suburb just outside the city.
My dad worked hard in that city. We didn't see him very much, because he was always working, always providing for us. He would come home from work when we were seated ready to eat, as he walked in the door we would run and hug him. He'd ask us about our day and we'd tell him all about it. He loved each of us so much. He really did...a few times we got to go with him to his office, where he'd show us off proudly. Zach & I had extremely important jobs of stuffing envelopes. We would get payed five dollars an hour and even had our own name badges. Once Alexis and I went ice skating with him at the mall. Everytime he would leave for a business trip he'd bring us back something special. The last gift i remember receiving from a business trip was a white bear with a blue ribbon that said chicago...the last birthday i spent with him I was nine years old. He never smiled with his teeth, but he made jokes a lot. He would get us dressed for church on sundays that my Mom sang in the choir...she made us wear the ugliest matching dresses. In our last family photo we wore sunflower dresses, i wore my pooh bear watch and just as the photographer was about to snap the photo i laughed. I hate that picture, because i still feel like i look ridiculous, but he loved it. I miss hearing him saying things to me, i wish i could remember more of the conversations we would have about the trivial things in my life. The trivial things that seemed SO important to him. I wish i could know more of him. My heart hurts in places it never should. It will always hurt because of the loss, the only thing is, is that the pain comes in different places at different times. And each different time, i readjust myself to take it on, to embrace it, to give it up, and to move on...once more. A bit less burdened each time.

whoa whoa whoa

sometimes it seems like i'm not going to do things right. like sometimes i think that i'm not walking the way i should w/ God. and then on wednesday we were in worship and he was telling me all this stuff and i was crying because it was so incredible. He is incredible. His faithfulness amidst my doubt and insecurities keeps me secure.
i found out that sometimes when children are crying its because they want to be held closer and i guess that's my true heart's desire as well. to be held closer, with each step i take toward His throneroom, i just want more. I want more so that i can go out in boldness and strength. That i can be certain of what i don't see and won't see, but i can be certain of Him who holds me so tightly and lovingly. Such a gentle person, such a heart to love me. a messed up little lady whom he, somehow treasures.
It is incredible, it is amazing, it is and will probably always be a mystery.

thank you for giving me the strength to stand, thank you for carrying me these past few years and for showing me how to stand and how to walk. thank you for being all the things i am not, thank you for showing and extending to me Your grace and goodness. Thankyou that i can trust love. fully and completely. I pray that through this weekend and this next year and everything that Your soul would be permeating my heart so that i can do your work God.
let me be willing. Let me remember the big picture and the little moments and the things you want for me. Thank you for wanting the highest and best for me even though it sucks sometimes because i want everything to happen RIGHT NOW, i know that your timing is good. i know that Your words are true and i love it. i love it i love it so much.
You brighten my day
You give peace to my heart
You let me trust
You trust ME with Your kids and give me
Better plans.
Thank you God. Thanks so much.

All i can feel
is Your love
all i hear is Your truth in my ear.
all i get is frustrated when i forget to listen

all i Know is Your goodness amidst the storms
all i know is Your grace that surrounds my heart
all i know is i get so lost when i stop listening

all i know is that you will NEVER hurt me even though i hurt.
that you're here to heal and help that you're my rescuer redeemer renewer
that Your one desire is to have me be completely Yours.
so thank you.
for taking the time to HEAR my annoying whining, crying, whatever-ness.
thank you for helping me get through each day and thank you for carrying me, when everything
gets overwhelming.

i do love you.
i do trust you, so i will walk this out.

life is a learning process....

i like that no matter what i do each day i get to learn something new. Sometimes its super profound and sometimes its simple things i tend to forget easily. The other day i was talking with some friends at work and just appreciating that i get to be a part of this ministry. It's really neat, being able to work in community and know that people genuinely care about your life.

Here's a cool verse that a four year old got for me yesterday during worship. (yes, a four year old hears the voice of God too.) God is good.

We know that we have come to know him if we obey his commands. The man who says, "I know him," but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But if anyone obeys his word, God's love is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in him: Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did. Dear friends, I am not writing you a new command, but an old one, which you have had since the beginning. This old command is the message you have heard. Yet I am writing you a new command; its truth is seen in him and you, because the darkness is passing and true light is already shining.

1 John 2.3-8

The verse my friend got for me specifically was verse 6, but i wasn't quite sure what that meant, so i read the portion above and below and got challenged.
Its simple, but difficult at the same time.
God's been challenging me on what my relationship looks like with Him and how i don't need to be a certain way or do a certain thing, that i simple need to be with him. Talking with him and listening to him and learning from Him.
Sometimes i learn through nature, sometimes through strangers, sometimes through friends, sometimes from the word, and sometimes just from God.

I like that i get to be friends with the creator of the universe, that i get to let him hold my hands and my heart, that i can trust him wholeheartedly, even when things get rough. That i can voice my opinions to Him freely and not have to be afraid of hurting His feelings, because its His desire to hear what's on my mind and heart. (even though He already knows, He likes hearing it straight from my mouth). I'm thankful that He cares for me. I was talking with a friend last night about Jesus and How he cares. He loves me sure, but he likes me too, and he deeply cares about my well being. He cares about me spiritually, mentally, physically in every way. He wants good things for me.
Here's a verse someone gave me in my phase 2 last spring.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8.28

i really hate this verse sometimes, because i don't always believe in God's goodness. But i'm working on it and being challenged everyday by God's truth. That He loves me and has never let me down, in every aspect of my life God has been there. And i KNOW that He is good, but i have to believe it at the same time, my heart has to register that thought too...its getting there though, slowly & surely.

Here are the verses above this, which helps me like the 28th more....

In the same way, the Spririt helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.
Romans 8.26 & 27


This helps me because God cares enough to have someone on my side when things go bad. When things get tough, i'm not alone, even if i don't have anyone here with me i'm not alone. And that is comforting.


Anyway. i just thought i'd share some stuff i am thinking about this morning.

Thanks for reading this.
Have a great day!