reality sets in slowly..

in twelve days i will leave the states
and go live in the philippines for seven weeks.

i get to see new roads
new faces
make new friends
experience something completely different.

it's all set up

i just need to keep breathing and trusting and believing.

thankful that my job is to cling to the rock that is higher than me.

thankful for new music
thankful for beautiful people...

and for peaceful sleep.

so far this weekend has been wonderful.

stayed the night with my cousin, always refreshing...
read a book
ate a bagel
had to clean, but didn't take too long.

watched too much greys.
trying to stay out of the heat.
I am very ready for winter.


kinda unbelievable that soon i'm leaving for the Philippines! finally got the visas back. I'm so thankful to have that piece to the puzzle together.

kinda in love with my team. six beautiful people that get to experience new culture with me and immerse ourselves in that culture and learn what it looks like to best love that culture.
AHHHH!!

stoked.

things i'm not doing so well at currently are:

keeping in touch with anyone.
staying awake. -> i'm so sleepy a lot of the time. this is the second week in a row i've been feeling so tired, but it's such a GOOD tired.


ps
kinda funny how i hate summer so much but volunteered myself for an extra two months of it.

summer is halfway over.

our new quarter began last monday at work and it's been an incredible week!

I feel so honored and blessed to have three girls in my small group. i'm so thankful
i took the time to myself for the past six months, to learn what it means to rest and do one thing well.

This weekend i've been semi busy, but not too bad. At this point in life i'm recognizing the importance of letting my yes be yes and my no be no.

this makes me think a little longer to commit to something, but it's also nice to think of other's more than me.

I feel like a lot of things are transitioning, with my sister moving to Colorado, just within a five minute drive of me...it's amazing! I've been appreciating my housemates and keeping a full schedule.

Today has been very restful.

restart button

i've been talking so much about what i want to do.
i've been thinking and talking about redoing my room for a few months now...

and the other night, i was fast asleep, woke up wide awake & checked my wall to make sure a picture hadn't fallen down, the one of me and my grampa. then as i lay back down i said out loud, i miss my grampa. i still miss you.

it was strange.

it feels good to take down everything from my walls and restart. i'm going to put my pictures back up and not have them so scattered.

i love the feeling of newness.
i keep writing that change is positive.

i'm believing in good things for my future and am comforted by the verse

surely goodness & mercy will follow me, all the days of my life.

it's incredible that goodness is paired with mercy, as if He knows how much we'll need both. mercy has helped get me through the hard nights and goodness has filled my days with positivity and life.

i feel rested. it's weird not being afraid of tears anymore. they used to keep me there.

in releasing them, i don't feel trapped or ashamed of weakness. i feel powerful to make the choice to release.
tomorrow will be spent eating good food for breakfast. baking. and finishing up my room project.
i'm filling my walls with pictures. hung a lot nicer than before...being more thought out...and putting up words that inspire me...cards people have written with amazing insights on them.

i went through boxes of my old things. boxes of my life as a kid, report cards, then i got to my teen years and found my old writing. i was so emotional all the time and very intense. i guess that's just how it goes. it was kind of embarrassing, but at the same time...not really.
i don't know.
when i was younger people said they liked me because i was funny and nice.
i wonder if it's still true today?

i appreciate people in my life who know me; truly, and aren't afraid of getting to know people deeply.

i feel tired of shallow relationships

i feel tired of words.

i'm refreshed and rejuvenated after a time of being home with family
and refreshed today after sleeping in and hanging out with friends last night.

sometimes i wonder if people know how truly valuable they are...that it doesn't matter what they do, but rather who they are that counts the most.

i want the people i'm around to know they are loved. to know they can be honest and themselves all the time. that it won't matter what they say, but that it's okay to be themselves.

i'm really grateful for a mellow day. i'm looking forward to getting everything accomplished at work. i'm looking forward to sleeping in my clean room. finishing un packing and learning to stop pressuring myself, but just to take deeper breaths.

sometimes i am scared of emotions because i know they hurt sometimes.


i can't believe a bunch of kids woke up yesterday ate breakfast went to school to learn and were murdered.

i can't believe a bunch of kids woke up yesterday, ate breakfast, stood outside and lined up for school and were stabbed.

i can't believe that once people are gone...all you have left are memories and paper.


that's all you get.

i'm so thankful for friendship and family.

I'm thankful to be loved so deeply by the Lord. I'm thankful for the song "mango tree" by angus & julia stone

i'm thankful for a day of sleeping in.
allowing emotions to surface.
going home in six days.
knowing beautiful people and being loved by family...
getting to hug a stranger today & hopefully make them feel loved.

i just want to love better.

i'm disappointed in myself, i guess. for not always doing my best.

i'm thankful for people who saw me when i was hurting badly and didn't even know it myself. because of those people, i'm alive today.

i'm thankful for iron + wine pandora station, stress relief candles, clean water to drink, and having peace.

i'm thankful for laughter. i'm thankful for my godson, who just found out i'm his godmother (a few days ago) and was excited. that everytime i talk with him he asks me where my dinosaur is....his memory. his laughter, silliness.

i'm thankful for my smallest friends and all they've taught me throughout the years.

i'm thankful for people i've met and have yet to meet.
that i can choose to love.

::currently::

feeling: refreshed. spent monday in the mountains with friends...oh man, good for the soul.

listening to: chuck ragan, loud harp & keeping the ipod on shuffle. (living life on the edge)

reading: minding frankie and the alchemist. every time i pick up the alchemist i like to have my journal with me to write down a quote from the book.
Here is one i really enjoy.

"at that point in their lives, everything is clear and everything is possible. They are not afraid to dream, and to yearn for everything they would like to see happen to them in their lives. but, as time passes, a mysterious force begins to convince them that it will be impossible for them to realize their personal legend."

learning: how to dream and knowing that dreaming is good. i have, unforunately, lived the majority of my life with a fatalistic mindset and i am unlearning that to relearn the child like life.

thinking about: taking time for myself and valuing who i am more...taking time to feed my soul. and keeping in touch with long distance friends and family.

thankful: for facetime, texting, days off where i can adventure and be at peace in a new setting. dreaming and not being afraid, while still be a little afraid...red nail polish! glitter and red lip stick. and earl grey tea this morning. what a blessing.


happy wednesday! i love you.