i feel so loved by Jesus. Its like: i know who He is, but its been glimpses. I feel tonight this overwhelming sense of love. I keep crying, i guess it's tears of joy...knowing more of His heart for my life. for our future together...I keep hearing Him say that He is deeply satisfied with me. Its just crazy how loved we really are; each of us loved so much by the Creator. I love that He loves us so much that he wants to speak through us, to bring life to dead places. to bring hope to hopeless. to stomp out injustices and let purity triumph
its insane, really, it is.
My best friend has never screwed me over, never trampled on my heart, never abandoned me in darkest emptiest times of my life. His hands have always been guarding my heart. His whispers were there to guide me with the things that scared me, with the things that still scare me at times. It feels like i'm able to embrace more of Him, trust more of Him, and love more of Him.
Its so good. This life i get to live...
He brings reconciliation to areas of my life and heart i didn't think could be touched. And THAT brings joy into my life. Like a bit more joy and less of the bitterness that used to so easily entangle who I truly am. A joyful girl, a strong woman, a loved daughter...Just so loved.
Someone prayed over me a long time ago that i would see God in each situation of extreme hurt. The indescribable kind. And i did at the time. But now, its like i can sense it all. It is so overwhelming hearing His song in my ears. It is so beautiful. And it probably isn't all of it, but it is so amazing. In my areas of weakness His strength pushes me through and He's shown me how to stand. Its so cool, to be loved unconditionally. I still don't understand...
He's so good. so so good.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
responsibility
...I went to Portland two weeks ago with some friends. It was amazing being back in the city i grew up in. My childhood was spent in a suburb just outside the city.
My dad worked hard in that city. We didn't see him very much, because he was always working, always providing for us. He would come home from work when we were seated ready to eat, as he walked in the door we would run and hug him. He'd ask us about our day and we'd tell him all about it. He loved each of us so much. He really did...a few times we got to go with him to his office, where he'd show us off proudly. Zach & I had extremely important jobs of stuffing envelopes. We would get payed five dollars an hour and even had our own name badges. Once Alexis and I went ice skating with him at the mall. Everytime he would leave for a business trip he'd bring us back something special. The last gift i remember receiving from a business trip was a white bear with a blue ribbon that said chicago...the last birthday i spent with him I was nine years old. He never smiled with his teeth, but he made jokes a lot. He would get us dressed for church on sundays that my Mom sang in the choir...she made us wear the ugliest matching dresses. In our last family photo we wore sunflower dresses, i wore my pooh bear watch and just as the photographer was about to snap the photo i laughed. I hate that picture, because i still feel like i look ridiculous, but he loved it. I miss hearing him saying things to me, i wish i could remember more of the conversations we would have about the trivial things in my life. The trivial things that seemed SO important to him. I wish i could know more of him. My heart hurts in places it never should. It will always hurt because of the loss, the only thing is, is that the pain comes in different places at different times. And each different time, i readjust myself to take it on, to embrace it, to give it up, and to move on...once more. A bit less burdened each time.
Friday, September 4, 2009
whoa whoa whoa
sometimes it seems like i'm not going to do things right. like sometimes i think that i'm not walking the way i should w/ God. and then on wednesday we were in worship and he was telling me all this stuff and i was crying because it was so incredible. He is incredible. His faithfulness amidst my doubt and insecurities keeps me secure.
i found out that sometimes when children are crying its because they want to be held closer and i guess that's my true heart's desire as well. to be held closer, with each step i take toward His throneroom, i just want more. I want more so that i can go out in boldness and strength. That i can be certain of what i don't see and won't see, but i can be certain of Him who holds me so tightly and lovingly. Such a gentle person, such a heart to love me. a messed up little lady whom he, somehow treasures.
It is incredible, it is amazing, it is and will probably always be a mystery.
thank you for giving me the strength to stand, thank you for carrying me these past few years and for showing me how to stand and how to walk. thank you for being all the things i am not, thank you for showing and extending to me Your grace and goodness. Thankyou that i can trust love. fully and completely. I pray that through this weekend and this next year and everything that Your soul would be permeating my heart so that i can do your work God.
let me be willing. Let me remember the big picture and the little moments and the things you want for me. Thank you for wanting the highest and best for me even though it sucks sometimes because i want everything to happen RIGHT NOW, i know that your timing is good. i know that Your words are true and i love it. i love it i love it so much.
You brighten my day
You give peace to my heart
You let me trust
You trust ME with Your kids and give me
Better plans.
Thank you God. Thanks so much.
i found out that sometimes when children are crying its because they want to be held closer and i guess that's my true heart's desire as well. to be held closer, with each step i take toward His throneroom, i just want more. I want more so that i can go out in boldness and strength. That i can be certain of what i don't see and won't see, but i can be certain of Him who holds me so tightly and lovingly. Such a gentle person, such a heart to love me. a messed up little lady whom he, somehow treasures.
It is incredible, it is amazing, it is and will probably always be a mystery.
thank you for giving me the strength to stand, thank you for carrying me these past few years and for showing me how to stand and how to walk. thank you for being all the things i am not, thank you for showing and extending to me Your grace and goodness. Thankyou that i can trust love. fully and completely. I pray that through this weekend and this next year and everything that Your soul would be permeating my heart so that i can do your work God.
let me be willing. Let me remember the big picture and the little moments and the things you want for me. Thank you for wanting the highest and best for me even though it sucks sometimes because i want everything to happen RIGHT NOW, i know that your timing is good. i know that Your words are true and i love it. i love it i love it so much.
You brighten my day
You give peace to my heart
You let me trust
You trust ME with Your kids and give me
Better plans.
Thank you God. Thanks so much.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
All i can feel
is Your love
all i hear is Your truth in my ear.
all i get is frustrated when i forget to listen
all i Know is Your goodness amidst the storms
all i know is Your grace that surrounds my heart
all i know is i get so lost when i stop listening
all i know is that you will NEVER hurt me even though i hurt.
that you're here to heal and help that you're my rescuer redeemer renewer
that Your one desire is to have me be completely Yours.
so thank you.
for taking the time to HEAR my annoying whining, crying, whatever-ness.
thank you for helping me get through each day and thank you for carrying me, when everything
gets overwhelming.
i do love you.
i do trust you, so i will walk this out.
is Your love
all i hear is Your truth in my ear.
all i get is frustrated when i forget to listen
all i Know is Your goodness amidst the storms
all i know is Your grace that surrounds my heart
all i know is i get so lost when i stop listening
all i know is that you will NEVER hurt me even though i hurt.
that you're here to heal and help that you're my rescuer redeemer renewer
that Your one desire is to have me be completely Yours.
so thank you.
for taking the time to HEAR my annoying whining, crying, whatever-ness.
thank you for helping me get through each day and thank you for carrying me, when everything
gets overwhelming.
i do love you.
i do trust you, so i will walk this out.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
life is a learning process....
i like that no matter what i do each day i get to learn something new. Sometimes its super profound and sometimes its simple things i tend to forget easily. The other day i was talking with some friends at work and just appreciating that i get to be a part of this ministry. It's really neat, being able to work in community and know that people genuinely care about your life.
Here's a cool verse that a four year old got for me yesterday during worship. (yes, a four year old hears the voice of God too.) God is good.
We know that we have come to know him if we obey his commands. The man who says, "I know him," but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But if anyone obeys his word, God's love is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in him: Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did. Dear friends, I am not writing you a new command, but an old one, which you have had since the beginning. This old command is the message you have heard. Yet I am writing you a new command; its truth is seen in him and you, because the darkness is passing and true light is already shining.
1 John 2.3-8
The verse my friend got for me specifically was verse 6, but i wasn't quite sure what that meant, so i read the portion above and below and got challenged.
Its simple, but difficult at the same time.
God's been challenging me on what my relationship looks like with Him and how i don't need to be a certain way or do a certain thing, that i simple need to be with him. Talking with him and listening to him and learning from Him.
Sometimes i learn through nature, sometimes through strangers, sometimes through friends, sometimes from the word, and sometimes just from God.
I like that i get to be friends with the creator of the universe, that i get to let him hold my hands and my heart, that i can trust him wholeheartedly, even when things get rough. That i can voice my opinions to Him freely and not have to be afraid of hurting His feelings, because its His desire to hear what's on my mind and heart. (even though He already knows, He likes hearing it straight from my mouth). I'm thankful that He cares for me. I was talking with a friend last night about Jesus and How he cares. He loves me sure, but he likes me too, and he deeply cares about my well being. He cares about me spiritually, mentally, physically in every way. He wants good things for me.
Here's a verse someone gave me in my phase 2 last spring.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8.28
i really hate this verse sometimes, because i don't always believe in God's goodness. But i'm working on it and being challenged everyday by God's truth. That He loves me and has never let me down, in every aspect of my life God has been there. And i KNOW that He is good, but i have to believe it at the same time, my heart has to register that thought too...its getting there though, slowly & surely.
Here are the verses above this, which helps me like the 28th more....
In the same way, the Spririt helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.
Romans 8.26 & 27
This helps me because God cares enough to have someone on my side when things go bad. When things get tough, i'm not alone, even if i don't have anyone here with me i'm not alone. And that is comforting.
Anyway. i just thought i'd share some stuff i am thinking about this morning.
Thanks for reading this.
Have a great day!
Here's a cool verse that a four year old got for me yesterday during worship. (yes, a four year old hears the voice of God too.) God is good.
We know that we have come to know him if we obey his commands. The man who says, "I know him," but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But if anyone obeys his word, God's love is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in him: Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did. Dear friends, I am not writing you a new command, but an old one, which you have had since the beginning. This old command is the message you have heard. Yet I am writing you a new command; its truth is seen in him and you, because the darkness is passing and true light is already shining.
1 John 2.3-8
The verse my friend got for me specifically was verse 6, but i wasn't quite sure what that meant, so i read the portion above and below and got challenged.
Its simple, but difficult at the same time.
God's been challenging me on what my relationship looks like with Him and how i don't need to be a certain way or do a certain thing, that i simple need to be with him. Talking with him and listening to him and learning from Him.
Sometimes i learn through nature, sometimes through strangers, sometimes through friends, sometimes from the word, and sometimes just from God.
I like that i get to be friends with the creator of the universe, that i get to let him hold my hands and my heart, that i can trust him wholeheartedly, even when things get rough. That i can voice my opinions to Him freely and not have to be afraid of hurting His feelings, because its His desire to hear what's on my mind and heart. (even though He already knows, He likes hearing it straight from my mouth). I'm thankful that He cares for me. I was talking with a friend last night about Jesus and How he cares. He loves me sure, but he likes me too, and he deeply cares about my well being. He cares about me spiritually, mentally, physically in every way. He wants good things for me.
Here's a verse someone gave me in my phase 2 last spring.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8.28
i really hate this verse sometimes, because i don't always believe in God's goodness. But i'm working on it and being challenged everyday by God's truth. That He loves me and has never let me down, in every aspect of my life God has been there. And i KNOW that He is good, but i have to believe it at the same time, my heart has to register that thought too...its getting there though, slowly & surely.
Here are the verses above this, which helps me like the 28th more....
In the same way, the Spririt helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.
Romans 8.26 & 27
This helps me because God cares enough to have someone on my side when things go bad. When things get tough, i'm not alone, even if i don't have anyone here with me i'm not alone. And that is comforting.
Anyway. i just thought i'd share some stuff i am thinking about this morning.
Thanks for reading this.
Have a great day!
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
last night i had the priviledge of seeing an amazing band called mewithoutYou.
i have liked them for three years & have wanted to go to their shows for a while now (about three years) but everytime i wanted to i was somewhere else. (like Hawaii). So anyway: yesterday was a GREAT day because it was registration for all the new students! This summer quarter is pretty small, but i can already tell its going to be a LOT of fun. So i was helping out in registration all day wanting to get tickets for the concert that night, because i forgot about it till that morning...luckily i called some people and my friend Clay got the tickets.
The day went by pretty fast and i had a nice time just chatting with some of the students and trying to get to know them better. Then it came time to go to the concert! I went with my friend Laurie and then met up with my other friends Clay and John, who i never really hung out w/ before. They're a lot of fun.
The opening band was called Deer Hunter and i really enjoyed them it was just sweet how the all worked together so well & the lead vocalist was pretty amazing. Then mewithoutYou came on and me Laurie & Clay kind of pushed our way more towards the front...the set list (is that what its called?) was so good. they played a lot of songs from their latest album *its all crazy, its all false, its all a dream, its alright* but they also played a few oldies from A->B life and Catch for us the foxes.
Lyrically this band is incredible as well as in every other aspect...
Music is so life giving for me, i've always been pretty passionate about it and have it in pretty much every part of my day, because i love it so much. And it keeps me going.
I tried to look for lyrics online right now, but i'm having a hard time...
They use some stuff from the Bible and when i first heard them in 2006 i didn't even realize, although i think i knew they were believers....
So when i was studying the bible in Hawaii i ran across some verses and realized that i heard them before in some mewithoutYou songs.
I guess the main thing for me last night was just how sweet it was to finally be able to go to that show and just to hang out w/ God in a different way than i normally do...it was a different kind of quiet time, because it wasn't quiet at all, but i heard God speak really clearly to me.
Afterward i had a really good journaling session in my room, because i was still processing all the lyrics and things that God was telling me...
It was so CRAZY! I don't remember everything, but mainly God was talking to me about how much He loves me and i was telling him all about stuff i want to do and ways i want to behave...how i want to show love to my friends and be sensitive to his spirit more often. So that when i'm asked to pray for someone i can actually HEAR from Him before i just go for it. *even though just going for it isn't always bad...i just want something different in my life*
i guess a fear i have is that the concert is sort of like a mountain top experience with the Lord, but i'm really trying my best to make my life with God an everyday step by step hand in hand process.
It is definitely a challenge! Anyone up for praying for my heart during this journey??? : )
Anyway: i just wanted to write this down on the blog. i was going to last night, but decided that sleep was a better idea so that i can do my job to the best of my ability. (with Jesus of course.)
if you're interested in hearing some mewithoutYou go to
purevolume.com/mewithoutyou
hope you enjoy & have an INCREDIBLE week!
Happy tuesday.
love,
Allison
i have liked them for three years & have wanted to go to their shows for a while now (about three years) but everytime i wanted to i was somewhere else. (like Hawaii). So anyway: yesterday was a GREAT day because it was registration for all the new students! This summer quarter is pretty small, but i can already tell its going to be a LOT of fun. So i was helping out in registration all day wanting to get tickets for the concert that night, because i forgot about it till that morning...luckily i called some people and my friend Clay got the tickets.
The day went by pretty fast and i had a nice time just chatting with some of the students and trying to get to know them better. Then it came time to go to the concert! I went with my friend Laurie and then met up with my other friends Clay and John, who i never really hung out w/ before. They're a lot of fun.
The opening band was called Deer Hunter and i really enjoyed them it was just sweet how the all worked together so well & the lead vocalist was pretty amazing. Then mewithoutYou came on and me Laurie & Clay kind of pushed our way more towards the front...the set list (is that what its called?) was so good. they played a lot of songs from their latest album *its all crazy, its all false, its all a dream, its alright* but they also played a few oldies from A->B life and Catch for us the foxes.
Lyrically this band is incredible as well as in every other aspect...
Music is so life giving for me, i've always been pretty passionate about it and have it in pretty much every part of my day, because i love it so much. And it keeps me going.
I tried to look for lyrics online right now, but i'm having a hard time...
They use some stuff from the Bible and when i first heard them in 2006 i didn't even realize, although i think i knew they were believers....
So when i was studying the bible in Hawaii i ran across some verses and realized that i heard them before in some mewithoutYou songs.
I guess the main thing for me last night was just how sweet it was to finally be able to go to that show and just to hang out w/ God in a different way than i normally do...it was a different kind of quiet time, because it wasn't quiet at all, but i heard God speak really clearly to me.
Afterward i had a really good journaling session in my room, because i was still processing all the lyrics and things that God was telling me...
It was so CRAZY! I don't remember everything, but mainly God was talking to me about how much He loves me and i was telling him all about stuff i want to do and ways i want to behave...how i want to show love to my friends and be sensitive to his spirit more often. So that when i'm asked to pray for someone i can actually HEAR from Him before i just go for it. *even though just going for it isn't always bad...i just want something different in my life*
i guess a fear i have is that the concert is sort of like a mountain top experience with the Lord, but i'm really trying my best to make my life with God an everyday step by step hand in hand process.
It is definitely a challenge! Anyone up for praying for my heart during this journey??? : )
Anyway: i just wanted to write this down on the blog. i was going to last night, but decided that sleep was a better idea so that i can do my job to the best of my ability. (with Jesus of course.)
if you're interested in hearing some mewithoutYou go to
purevolume.com/mewithoutyou
hope you enjoy & have an INCREDIBLE week!
Happy tuesday.
love,
Allison
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Tonight i got to go on a walk with my friend Rissa, who i love dearly....we got to walk around the neighborhoods and just chat about life and what's been happening in each others lives. Nothing fancy, but it was so perfect.
i don't love summer, because i don't love the heat, but there is something so refreshing about walking outside at night....
I love that God is our creator, its incredible. He's so creative and so beautiful, if He's anything like Colorado....which i'm sure he's a bit better.
I think my favorite thing is when i get to see Him in the world, like through the earth. Like in Kona with the ocean and here in CO w/ the mountains and everything....and in Oregon with the freshness...everything is just so SWEET.
Sometimes i wish i was more of a contemplative person and i do want to spend more time contemplating who He is in my life and in the world in general because its amazing! But honestly, my head hurts just thinking about it.
why does He love us?
how does He call us valuable?
what does He see when looking at us?
i don't love summer, because i don't love the heat, but there is something so refreshing about walking outside at night....
I love that God is our creator, its incredible. He's so creative and so beautiful, if He's anything like Colorado....which i'm sure he's a bit better.
I think my favorite thing is when i get to see Him in the world, like through the earth. Like in Kona with the ocean and here in CO w/ the mountains and everything....and in Oregon with the freshness...everything is just so SWEET.
Sometimes i wish i was more of a contemplative person and i do want to spend more time contemplating who He is in my life and in the world in general because its amazing! But honestly, my head hurts just thinking about it.
why does He love us?
how does He call us valuable?
what does He see when looking at us?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)