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i've been talking so much about what i want to do.
i've been thinking and talking about redoing my room for a few months now...

and the other night, i was fast asleep, woke up wide awake & checked my wall to make sure a picture hadn't fallen down, the one of me and my grampa. then as i lay back down i said out loud, i miss my grampa. i still miss you.

it was strange.

it feels good to take down everything from my walls and restart. i'm going to put my pictures back up and not have them so scattered.

i love the feeling of newness.
i keep writing that change is positive.

i'm believing in good things for my future and am comforted by the verse

surely goodness & mercy will follow me, all the days of my life.

it's incredible that goodness is paired with mercy, as if He knows how much we'll need both. mercy has helped get me through the hard nights and goodness has filled my days with positivity and life.

i feel rested. it's weird not being afraid of tears anymore. they used to keep me there.

in releasing them, i don't feel trapped or ashamed of weakness. i feel powerful to make the choice to release.
tomorrow will be spent eating good food for breakfast. baking. and finishing up my room project.
i'm filling my walls with pictures. hung a lot nicer than before...being more thought out...and putting up words that inspire me...cards people have written with amazing insights on them.

i went through boxes of my old things. boxes of my life as a kid, report cards, then i got to my teen years and found my old writing. i was so emotional all the time and very intense. i guess that's just how it goes. it was kind of embarrassing, but at the same time...not really.
i don't know.
when i was younger people said they liked me because i was funny and nice.
i wonder if it's still true today?

i appreciate people in my life who know me; truly, and aren't afraid of getting to know people deeply.

i feel tired of shallow relationships

i feel tired of words.

i'm refreshed and rejuvenated after a time of being home with family
and refreshed today after sleeping in and hanging out with friends last night.

sometimes i wonder if people know how truly valuable they are...that it doesn't matter what they do, but rather who they are that counts the most.

i want the people i'm around to know they are loved. to know they can be honest and themselves all the time. that it won't matter what they say, but that it's okay to be themselves.

i'm really grateful for a mellow day. i'm looking forward to getting everything accomplished at work. i'm looking forward to sleeping in my clean room. finishing un packing and learning to stop pressuring myself, but just to take deeper breaths.

sometimes i am scared of emotions because i know they hurt sometimes.


i can't believe a bunch of kids woke up yesterday ate breakfast went to school to learn and were murdered.

i can't believe a bunch of kids woke up yesterday, ate breakfast, stood outside and lined up for school and were stabbed.

i can't believe that once people are gone...all you have left are memories and paper.


that's all you get.

i'm so thankful for friendship and family.

I'm thankful to be loved so deeply by the Lord. I'm thankful for the song "mango tree" by angus & julia stone

i'm thankful for a day of sleeping in.
allowing emotions to surface.
going home in six days.
knowing beautiful people and being loved by family...
getting to hug a stranger today & hopefully make them feel loved.

i just want to love better.

i'm disappointed in myself, i guess. for not always doing my best.

i'm thankful for people who saw me when i was hurting badly and didn't even know it myself. because of those people, i'm alive today.

i'm thankful for iron + wine pandora station, stress relief candles, clean water to drink, and having peace.

i'm thankful for laughter. i'm thankful for my godson, who just found out i'm his godmother (a few days ago) and was excited. that everytime i talk with him he asks me where my dinosaur is....his memory. his laughter, silliness.

i'm thankful for my smallest friends and all they've taught me throughout the years.

i'm thankful for people i've met and have yet to meet.
that i can choose to love.

::currently::

feeling: refreshed. spent monday in the mountains with friends...oh man, good for the soul.

listening to: chuck ragan, loud harp & keeping the ipod on shuffle. (living life on the edge)

reading: minding frankie and the alchemist. every time i pick up the alchemist i like to have my journal with me to write down a quote from the book.
Here is one i really enjoy.

"at that point in their lives, everything is clear and everything is possible. They are not afraid to dream, and to yearn for everything they would like to see happen to them in their lives. but, as time passes, a mysterious force begins to convince them that it will be impossible for them to realize their personal legend."

learning: how to dream and knowing that dreaming is good. i have, unforunately, lived the majority of my life with a fatalistic mindset and i am unlearning that to relearn the child like life.

thinking about: taking time for myself and valuing who i am more...taking time to feed my soul. and keeping in touch with long distance friends and family.

thankful: for facetime, texting, days off where i can adventure and be at peace in a new setting. dreaming and not being afraid, while still be a little afraid...red nail polish! glitter and red lip stick. and earl grey tea this morning. what a blessing.


happy wednesday! i love you.

i never thought i'd be a girl who cries in parking lots, but i am that girl. I received a card from my aunt filled with photos of my family and it just made me cry and it was so beautiful to be alone, in my car, letting my tears come. to have family so beautiful, as my very own...and the memories of love and life that go along with that...it so amazing. I feel honored, to have my family as my very own. forever. I am reminded of a teaching of the unexpected tears and how we need to just let them come. I think my pride is breaking down and my eyes are being opened that emotions will not destroy me, being emotional is healthy and sometimes you just need to release your emotions. I'm so grateful that i am not a robot, that i have made the conscience decision to allow myself to feel. I lived halfway of my life trying and pushing away from the emotions, because they felt so deep and were so deep and still are so deep, but there is so much beauty amidst it all. Overall, just feeling grateful and astonished and peaceful, in a way.

rip tide.

thoughts come out the most at night, but for whatever reason i stop them from getting onto paper. or at least lately, i haven't given myself permission. maybe because i am ridiculous.. yes, most likely. okay so tonight i wrote a letter and while writing i was reminded of my Dad. I do not have many memories and they are mostly scattered because i do not give myself time and space to really think and remember. As a kid i went to too many counseling sessions and was made to remember my Father. I think this has deterred me as an adult. that i want to now, and of course now, i cannot. how sad...but whatever. I tried falling back asleep after the tears came and my mind remember one of the most important men of my adult life: my Grandfather. Literally one of the best men i know. He took all of us grandkids out to Maui for a week as a special treat. to be together and eat yummy food and be in the ocean (again, one of my most favorite things). One day, while at the beach he warned me of the rip tide, that it flows underneath the water and to be aware of it, because if i swim and get caught, then it takes you under etc etc. I listened, but maybe i didn't and maybe i was too persistent that i should still be in the water? i can't remember. I DO however, remember. getting caught up in it. I was so scared and completely pulled under. maybe for five minutes. I think he pulled me out, i was crying (most likely) and it's interesting looking back and thinking about it. He warned me because he loved me so much and didn't want to see me get hurt, but still i went for it. I don't know what the point of this story is yet, but maybe i'll get clarity in the morning. I guess it just feels good to be so loved by someone that they want to help you, save you from the scary parts of life. I realized tonight as i cried about missing my Dad, that the memories no longer unravel who i am as a human being. That grief is still a part of my life, but it is not my entire being. and it cannot be, because I experience joy. That i traded my ashes for beauty. and that's what i wear now. That my emotions throughout life have been valid. that at some moments i let them overtake me and drown me a little, because i needed it. To learn, to learn that life will get messy and you lose your breath, for five minutes or five months, but that you regain composure and you learn from each circumstance. You learn who you are as a person. You learn to appreciate the gift of relationship with your family, your friends, your work colleagues, etc. You learn to appreciate the beauty of each day, because whether we like it or not, we only get one life to live. (omg, soap opera). And what good is it if we waste it feeling overwhelmed. you know? not like it's bad to be overwhelmed but i hate the days where i feel overly sad. Not to say those things are real, they are, those days exist because pain is real. But the thankful heart brings me back. thankful to have known such beautiful people. To have had the chance of having a Dad who loved me, a grampa who cared enough to warn me of the scary things and dangerous things in life. a friend who would always send an encouraging text or voicemail just because, and uncle who always hugged me extra tightly and called me sweetheart, and a friend who always said that I'm beautiful and listened to my sadness and helped me walk through it. Even when i guess i couldn't help enough, couldn't say enough of how beautiful and perfect she was. that the sadness and darkness overcame her. that she is gone forever and I've lost yet another beautiful soul to this world. But the thing is: these people have helped show me who i am, they told me things about myself that i may have not seen otherwise. That it was okay to be vulnerable with them. And that the rip tide took me under for a while, in this life. But i am a stronger woman because of it and i can't help but shout that I'm grateful for the life i get to live each day. That i don't want to squander it or anything. That i can't help but tell everyone how much a i love them. I don't care how much i already tell my friends but i just want to keep telling them, because they are beautiful creatures and because this is our life. okay, end of random post. love love.

thursday

today's goodness. wearing SLIPPERS! for the 2nd night in a row. relaxing to new music. laughing a lot. being silly and ridiculous and knowing it is one hundred percent okay. seven other people possibly wanting to go to brazil with me. :) chipped nail polish. comfy socks. wearing the best sweater of all days today. feeling COZY and not SWEATY! yayyaya. OH and hot coffee this morning. being loved by a Lord who knows me inside and out and it's just like: oh, hey! no big deal. lets keep going on rad adventures together because that's my heart for you and how i made you. and Him being SO freaking patient with me. to come to a better understanding of myself in Him... these lyrics: "hold on i feel like you could shine a little brighter, my love just like you did when you were younger underneath the copper wires and the floor boards that creep, i hope you never end." ::pioneers, by the lighthouse and the whaler::