Thursday, August 18, 2011

as everyone at my work is in the OC ministering...i am back here with about seven other people "running the show" AKA answering the phone if it rings and reading my book and listening to my ipod.
I knew that i needed this time for myself, to mull things over w/ the Lord.
I know that He is revealing things to me everyday...that i'm so blessed to have friends in my life to chat w/ about things.

Someone brought me a challenge yesterday and i'm taking it on.
to really talk to God about these emotions that seem to be overtaking...when in reality they are super real, they will not have power over my life.
i have lost someone very important to me, somedays it feels very real and other days i feel an overwhelming peace.

last night i told him i believed that he would speak to me and i said i will wait for you God.
Then he said: Psalm 27 i will write the whole thing and then highlight the ones that resonated within my heart:

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall i fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall i be afraid?
When evildoers assail me to eat up my flesh, my adversaries and foes,
it is they who stumble and fall.
though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war arise against me, yet i will be confident.
One thing i have asked of the Lord, that i will seek after:
that i may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple.
For he will hide me in his shelter in the day of trouble; he will conceal me under the cover of his tent; he will lift me high upon a rock. And now my head shall be lifted up above my enemies all around me, and i will offer in his tent sacrifices with shouts of joy;
i will sing and make melody to the Lord.
Hear, o Lord, when i cry aloud; be gracious to me and answer me.
You have said, "seek my face." my heart says to you, Your face, Lord do i seek."
Hide not your face from me.
Turn not your servant away in anger, o you who have been my help.
cast me not off; forsake me not, o God of my salvation!
Teach me your way, O Lord, and lead me on a level poath because of my enemies.
Give me not up to the will of my adversaries; for false witnesses have risen against me, & they breathe out violence.
I believe that i shall look upoin the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living!
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and let your heart take courage;
wait for the Lord!

the things that stuck out to me are in bold.
the last verse was the most important one to me.
My friends prayed for me a while ago and one of them said: you're stronger
than you think and God has been giving you more strength each day.
Then i was remember about an episode of greys anatomy (i know, i know. stop
judging me!) it was the one where burke was saying his vows about how he was
sure, that Christina was the one for him. and obviously they did not work out
(sorry if i ruined that one for ya) but i was glad to hear the words that He (God)
was sure about me. even when i lose faith in myself and how much i go through a lot
of the time...He was sure of me and confident in me.
and that i can be sure about Him always, because he doesn't falter.
He will remain in my life, steadfast always.

I can take everything to Him and i'll need to have reminders of this as i keep processing my life...I feel hopeful in all of this today.
I'm blessed to have waited on him last night and will continue to take heart in it, or try my best.
It's comforting to know that He will untangle my heart, because he cares for me, empathizes (sp?) with me and stays with me through everything.

here is something i found in another page in my journal last night that i wrote earlier this year...

look at Jesus where healing and truth and life comes from.

It's something someone said once and it was another thing that resonated in my heart.

thank you Lord that you can handle all these things and that you're with me, helping me understand things.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

life is overwhelming me to realize
i have to live the rest of it without
the one man who has always
constantly been there, through
always shown love
and compassion

always a safe place for me to rest my head

i cannot handle it and i do not want it.

i wish i could escape it, but know from a
long list of past experiences w/ grief that
it will come in one way or another.