At times in life i choose to let fear in and just surrender to it. to live in my old self instead of who i truly am in Christ. Who He's originally designed me to be, to be my whole self...all the time.

He's telling me that it is okay to dream...and to dream big.
He's told me this in the past, but i didn't understand what He meant, until recently...when i realized that it is actually safe to dream with God.
There's no safer place than the place i've found with God. This place of being close to one another, the fact that He's always there to talk to and i can give my whole heart to him. He's so good to us, because He pursued us all first.

1 John 4.19
we love because He first loved us.

random side-note ((when i did the school of biblical studies in Kona, i had to read the bible in it's entirety...so when i looked up this verse online i thought: i want to know the whole context of the verse.))


*Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God & knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, god lives in us and his love is made complete in us. We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, "i love God" yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot glove God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command; whoever loves God must also love His brother.
1 John 4.7-21


lots of words up there.
I really love that God's love drives out all fear. He's shown me His perfect love in all circumstances i've faced in life...and the sometimes the best thing is when He doesn't say anything to me...in moments where i have a trillion questions and a huge ache in my heart for things i can't have anymore....He's just there for me. And i'm able to just talk to him and i feel loved.

OH.
the point of my blog!
i just got super side tracked. lo siento amigos!

anyway...a long time ago i saw a small hot air balloon hanging above my friends desk and i LOVED it.
our friend made it for her, so i asked him if he might make me one too...and he said okay.
(i said this a long time ago, or at least to me it was? i dunno, i'm bad with time). anyway...he told me my
birthday present would be late because he was working on it.
i went to my desk and he hung up this mobile he had made of a parachute and clouds.

the whole thing represents, to me, that dreams are beautiful and beauty is everywhere.
All in all, it made me feel special to have something so unique and one of a kind given to me from my dear friend for my
birthday.
And for God to immediately bring me back to what He's teaching me. To dream big dreams, bigger than i can even think...and that it is good for my soul to dream.


my prayer of blessing for you as you go is this:

that you feel God's love for you so deeply that it couldn't be any other thing...that you'd just KNOW in your soul that you are adored by the King of Kings and that He cares for you, even the silliest things, he cares about those because He will stop at nothing to make you feel special, to make you feel loved, to show you He cares.
and that He releases more joy than you will know what to do with this Christmas.

You are loved and You are cherished.

grace and mercy
you're confronting me daily.

these past few weeks and months have whisked by like tiny gazelles.
it's december already.

four years ago i felt so alone. on an island surrounded by people who did not know me.
or that part of me, my Denver family.
my heart was torn up.

i spent almost an entire year trying to figure out some deep issues with the Lord.
once i thought i figured it out or had some clarity on it all...i received a phone call from one of my best
friends.
that two of our friends were shot.
hyperventilating...i started saying: they're gonna be okay (and continued repeating it to myself)...people around me
were praying. i called a ton of people telling them to pray (demanding it).

i do not know how i fell asleep that night.
when i awoke my friend Dave asked me if i was okay and i told him i couldn't talk, i had to call my friend.

so i called my friend Will and he told me she was gone.

and i broke.
i broke in more than just two pieces.
because after what seemed like a lifetime of questions (or at least 11 years)...i thought i had them answered.
i thought they were done for.
but now, i had so many more things to ask God.
i needed some heart surgery. because it was broken.

four years later. living in this city. working where i do.
i just feel blessed.

i miss her and do not understand.
i still have a lot of questions and a lot of desires...but i'm so grateful.
to have known someone so loving.
all the time...and so funny. and beautiful.

like i said four years ago.
she was pure sunshine.
she radiated God's love and it was beautiful.


i'm grateful///

i've been feeling so mellow lately.
It's really nice.
this week i made myself go to the gym because i told the bestie that i'd visit her at work.
It was only 30 minutes, but it felt so good.
I always feel prettier leaving the gym and i like sticking to commitments.
I also got to catchup with some friends on the phone and it was so much fun to connect with my long distance friends. I loved just talking and one of the best feelings to me is that no matter where we are in the world we pick up wherever we left off...connectedness is so important to me. (even if it's not a real word). :)

anyway. i hope you're all enjoying your weekend.

my to do list for the rest of the day consists of:
finding the right nail polish color.
getting dressed.
drinking more coffee.
writing in my journal.
listening to music.
and possibly taking a nap.


happy saturday beautiful people.

the Lord is my God and i serve him whole heartedly

a morning song to my Jesus:

the Lord is my God & i serve him wholeheartedly
i get to love him and be with him.

life on a day to day basis with you means:

waking up early for time alone with you, before the hussle and bussle of people constantly surrounding me, asking me questions, chatting it up with me...all that is good but, you know my heart is to be alone with you.

i woke up this morning and saw the light come through my window. the room was painted with gold and i lay there smiling, thankful for a good night's sleep. thankful that i didn't have to dream at all, no thoughts inside my mind last night i was free to just be, to just rest in your presence. in your arms. that embrace me and strengthen me and make me calm and bring me peace and make me whole again...

the summer seemed never ending with deaths and struggles and anxiety and longings unfulfilled. all the questions that rose up again asking and screaming: why?

WHY this loss of life? why the stopping of breaths. the ending of my precious grampa?
why this anxiety of health and whether or not THIS will be okay? will i be whole in YOU?
where are YOU amidst the craziness the busy-ness, the what feels like lonely-ness?


and then you spoke up, gently, sweetly like honey in my chai....the calm in my heart amidst the storm and you said:

i am beside you, i am standing with you, i am for you and not against you. all these things will happen in life: you will be disappointed, you will have struggles, you will continue to face loss in big and small ways, in ways that feel like you may not be able to make it but my DAUGHTER remember: every single time, in every single storm i AM your safe harbour i AM your light and salvation: WHOM SHALL YOU FEAR? OF WHAT SHOULD YOU BE AFRAID OF? i am WITH YOU FOR YOU ALWAYS standing beside you. ALWAYS embracing YOU. i have gone through hell and back for you, to proclaim victory over your precious beautiful LIFE/
i breathe SALVATION in your bones, i speak healing to the broken pieces of your heart that you say are jumbled and knotted more than a ball of yarn a piece of string.
and i speak to that and i say: I AM THE UNTANGLER OF ALL THINGS TANGLED! I AM THE ONE WHO WILL MAKE SENSE OF THE MESS and when it feels like nothing will make sense again, when you are filled with all the questions and all the weight of your heart, the weight of the world i say COME DRINK FROM THE CUP I HAVE FOR YOU, FOR I AM A FAITHFUL FATHER WHO ALONE BRINGS FRESH WATER. you will not find your refreshment in people, no you cannot. you will not truly find your comfort in others, IT ALONE COMES FROM ME AND THAT'S THE WAY I LIKE IT. i love you, i have placed people in your life to encourage you, to challenge you and to love you.
because i love you.
i always care
i always provide, i always stand up for you. when you can't stand up for yourself but i speak to you OH DAUGHTER and i tell you and remind you and make you fully believe and receive the strength i have put inside you. when you were born fighting for you life to be here and stay here i have put that strength inside to run and not grow weary.
finding life, refreshment, joy, grace, peace, in ME!

what a joy it is to know you, to be known by you fully and completely loved by you.

thank you Lord.

i receive your peace today, i embrace your joy today and i see your heart today in all i do:
in answering phones, in cleaning a house, in drinking my coffee, in eating lunch with my friends, in talking with people and in exhorting those around you.
thank you for your love Lord, for your life, and for the price you paid on the cross.

i want my life to radiate your beauty all day.

thanks for putting that desire in my heart.


love,

allison lois

as everyone at my work is in the OC ministering...i am back here with about seven other people "running the show" AKA answering the phone if it rings and reading my book and listening to my ipod.
I knew that i needed this time for myself, to mull things over w/ the Lord.
I know that He is revealing things to me everyday...that i'm so blessed to have friends in my life to chat w/ about things.

Someone brought me a challenge yesterday and i'm taking it on.
to really talk to God about these emotions that seem to be overtaking...when in reality they are super real, they will not have power over my life.
i have lost someone very important to me, somedays it feels very real and other days i feel an overwhelming peace.

last night i told him i believed that he would speak to me and i said i will wait for you God.
Then he said: Psalm 27 i will write the whole thing and then highlight the ones that resonated within my heart:

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall i fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall i be afraid?
When evildoers assail me to eat up my flesh, my adversaries and foes,
it is they who stumble and fall.
though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war arise against me, yet i will be confident.
One thing i have asked of the Lord, that i will seek after:
that i may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple.
For he will hide me in his shelter in the day of trouble; he will conceal me under the cover of his tent; he will lift me high upon a rock. And now my head shall be lifted up above my enemies all around me, and i will offer in his tent sacrifices with shouts of joy;
i will sing and make melody to the Lord.
Hear, o Lord, when i cry aloud; be gracious to me and answer me.
You have said, "seek my face." my heart says to you, Your face, Lord do i seek."
Hide not your face from me. Turn not your servant away in anger, o you who have been my help.
cast me not off; forsake me not, o God of my salvation!
Teach me your way, O Lord, and lead me on a level poath because of my enemies.
Give me not up to the will of my adversaries; for false witnesses have risen against me, & they breathe out violence.
I believe that i shall look upoin the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living!
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and let your heart take courage;
wait for the Lord!

the things that stuck out to me are in bold.
the last verse was the most important one to me.
My friends prayed for me a while ago and one of them said: you're stronger
than you think and God has been giving you more strength each day.
Then i was remember about an episode of greys anatomy (i know, i know. stop
judging me!) it was the one where burke was saying his vows about how he was
sure, that Christina was the one for him. and obviously they did not work out
(sorry if i ruined that one for ya) but i was glad to hear the words that He (God)
was sure about me. even when i lose faith in myself and how much i go through a lot
of the time...He was sure of me and confident in me.
and that i can be sure about Him always, because he doesn't falter.
He will remain in my life, steadfast always.

I can take everything to Him and i'll need to have reminders of this as i keep processing my life...I feel hopeful in all of this today.
I'm blessed to have waited on him last night and will continue to take heart in it, or try my best.
It's comforting to know that He will untangle my heart, because he cares for me, empathizes (sp?) with me and stays with me through everything.

here is something i found in another page in my journal last night that i wrote earlier this year...

look at Jesus where healing and truth and life comes from.

It's something someone said once and it was another thing that resonated in my heart.

thank you Lord that you can handle all these things and that you're with me, helping me understand things.

life is overwhelming me to realize
i have to live the rest of it without
the one man who has always
constantly been there, through
everything
always shown love
and compassion

always a safe place for me to rest my head

i cannot handle it and i do not want it.

i wish i could escape it, but know from a
long list of past experiences w/ grief that
it will come in one way or another.

new favorite song.

tuesday bloggin'

blueberry bagels
reflecting on life
listening for the phone to ring
being nice to people
friendship bracelets.
representing different countries. ones i've
never been to...
dreaming of things.
wanting bigger dreams.
making things that are amazing and fun and beautiful.
taking ownership of my feelings.
moving forward in life
drinking lots of water.
thinking. and more thinking.
processing.
prioritizing

l i v i n g
b r e a t h i n g

l o v i n g
l a u g h i n g

i feel so much these days.
sad because good friends are leaving. my small group going forward after their dts...feeling so blessed to have been part of their lives. thankful for cell phones that keep people connected.
overwhelmed with change and trying to keep a good balance with everything all at once. it's so strange because life doesn't overwhelm me as much as it is right now. I am very thankful for the people that do care for me and invest in my life.
I'm learning what it means to live not on my own strength, but to fully rely on the Lord's...it's no easy/small task.
I'm grateful for people who push me forward, for people who have wisdom and speak kindly, and for my job...where i meet so many people so often and can have a positive impact in their lives. no matter how big or small, that i can be an encourgaement to those i meet and that i can challenge and be challenged to live better to a higher standard, on a daily basis.


count cho' blessings child!

my siblings are so precious to me...I am so excited for both of them. I am so proud of them for their endurance and the choices they've made in life.
They are incredible people and i am so blessed to have them in my life!
My brother has worked really hard to get where he's at and he loves it! Also, He has fallen in love with his soon to be wifey! It blows my mind that we will always be kids, the three of us, but still. We grow up SO quickly...oh man, do we ever.
I am so excited that He will be getting back to the states soon! (even though it's not soon ENOUGH!) haha.
My sister just went on her first overseas trip to visit her friends in Ireland, then had the opportunity to visit my brother in Italy. She had a fun trip and didn't run into too many problems so that is nice for her & and for me to hear!
They are such hard workers, they persevere through life and "run the race w/ endurance" it's really amazing to see.
I just love the lives we lead...I am just very proud of the three of us and oh so blessed to have the beautiful siblings i have.

I hope your week is filled with joy and grace.