A Saturday Alone

lately there have been many thoughts rolling around in my brain and it is pretty overwhelming, because i don't have time to write them all down...which is important for my balancing life plan. when i lose my balance i usually have a panic attack, which unfortunately happened on thursday night.
it was so strange. it was probably a five minute or less panic attack, but i had to go to my room and listen to chill music to calm me down.
so i decided that i wanted to spend saturday alone.
i went to the library to look for a book and did not find the book i wanted (which happens EVERYTIME i go...so i don't go often because then i get annoyed). *what is the point of a library if they do not house the book i want in that moment anyway?* k. i'm finished.
i ended up borrowing the book from my nice friend Chele, so i stopped by her house & chatted a bit then went to a coffee shop and read for 3-ish hours...i finished the book.
it's a really nice one by Don Miller. the thousand miles in a million years...but i really enjoyed saturday because i was alone and relaxed. I want to try and spend time alone more often, because i think i'm learning more about myself during those moments when i have time to process it.
& i think i want to take more naps, because those are nice to take.
i also want to try and do the things i think about doing all the time. like mailing letters and writing more and everything good.

have a happy week everyone.
know you are loved.

you have changed me.

you have made me a better person, you make me
think more...of what i say, what i want to say.
who i want to be.
and then, when i'm frustrated...you help me understand.
a little bit more.
you have loved me.

you have loved me right, while i have not all the time.
you have given me more than i needed and gave me things
i wanted.
and somedays i lose thought of that. i stop tracking the good
things and see the challenging things in my way.

i like you for making me think more, for putting people in my
life to snap me out of my attitude, or whatever it is that can overtake
me at times. i like you for giving me reminders of what i forget so easily.

i like you for being so beautiful and for giving me beautiful things to see when
i wake up.
that you put it in me, to love life and to see things more positively.
i like that you don't expect me to be happy go lucky all the time, but that you
understand me and see my heart.

i like that you like me...

i like that, a lot.

so far this year, God has highlighted the words steadfast and goodness.

to trust in these things and to come to a better understanding of each of
them.


i guess, i am looking forward to seeing how this plays out in my life.
& i really like that He cares about exactly where i am at.
also, if you have time in your day...i suggest listening to the song

How deep the father's love for us.

it's pretty sweet...

have a nice week.

i am cool under pressure
i am cool under pressure
i am serene under pressure
i am good under pressure
i am fine under pressure
i am pristine under pressure

i am the queen of chill actually. if you were
to ask. that is the honest answer. because
i am amazing.

i am professional at keeping my cool.
oh yes, indeed. ask anyone, its true.

under every single circumstance that is
brought to my attention
that is coming into my world, i am the chillest
lady around.....


......

oh dang. my life...i just want to praise God in this blog a roo because i have been real freaked out about what to do in regards to my finances this upcoming year while staffing at YWAM Denver. (and if you wanna give to me, please email me...just sayin')
anyway...
so i have not wanted to sign my one year lease yet because i do not want to commit to something i don't have the money for...even though people call that faith & i believe that too, its just that i really want to be committed. ya know?
soooo, onto my favorite part of this blog.
I called my mom to say goodmorning while finishing getting ready for the day, its just something we do...and i got her voicemail. She called me right back and was like: sooo me & Mike were talking and because he is applying for a job @ cal poly (oh man, i'm praying he gets it, he works so hard & really enjoys SLO, so that'd be siiiick)...we can't come to visit you because that is when the interview process is & he will most likely be getting called back/we are going to give the money we were going to spend on the trip to you for your rent this year.
!!!!!!
WHAT?! no freaking way man!

so anyway: i was kind of freaking out at work yesterday during worship and just praising God for it. Its just nuts. Even though i still need more money for the rest of my rent and everything, i'm just so excited that God has provided this for me.

"God does not want to be your boss, he IS your father." -don miller-

I guess throughout these past few months and really looking back, He is my father. All i've wanted He has given me, okay...not necessarily wanted, but with the things i've needed He has provided. I just love Him a lot.

last night i got the priveledge of hanging out with my favorite Granger Grange. We went to chill in this mountain town that i'd never been to before and its a nice little 45 minute drive both ways. And both ways we got to have good conversation, just talking about everything under the sun(okay moon...) & it was so refreshing. I love the friendships i've made here, where it really is my family. Even though my family is in CA, i don't have a real connection to CA anymore, because i've fallen slowly in love with Denver. I think i may be here a while, even if i am not on staff in 2011...not that i need to know that right now, shoot i JUST arrived in 2010 & i feel so much peace about it.
God reminds me of His love for me through the mountains i get to see in the morning, covered in snow (oh yes, winter...iloveyou), in the crazy gorgeous purple-ish pink-ish sunsets, and the brisk cold air at night.

Anyway, i just wanted to share with everyone about God's love. And i know He has the same love for each of us, which baffles me sometimes...but its so nice. So anyway. wherever you're at in life, i challenge you to talk to God *as weird as it can be* do it.
its interesting what He speaks back.

He is a gentle & loyal friend, He is a provider, and He is love.