At times in life i choose to let fear in and just surrender to it. to live in my old self instead of who i truly am in Christ. Who He's originally designed me to be, to be my whole self...all the time.

He's telling me that it is okay to dream...and to dream big.
He's told me this in the past, but i didn't understand what He meant, until recently...when i realized that it is actually safe to dream with God.
There's no safer place than the place i've found with God. This place of being close to one another, the fact that He's always there to talk to and i can give my whole heart to him. He's so good to us, because He pursued us all first.

1 John 4.19
we love because He first loved us.

random side-note ((when i did the school of biblical studies in Kona, i had to read the bible in it's entirety...so when i looked up this verse online i thought: i want to know the whole context of the verse.))


*Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God & knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, god lives in us and his love is made complete in us. We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, "i love God" yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot glove God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command; whoever loves God must also love His brother.
1 John 4.7-21


lots of words up there.
I really love that God's love drives out all fear. He's shown me His perfect love in all circumstances i've faced in life...and the sometimes the best thing is when He doesn't say anything to me...in moments where i have a trillion questions and a huge ache in my heart for things i can't have anymore....He's just there for me. And i'm able to just talk to him and i feel loved.

OH.
the point of my blog!
i just got super side tracked. lo siento amigos!

anyway...a long time ago i saw a small hot air balloon hanging above my friends desk and i LOVED it.
our friend made it for her, so i asked him if he might make me one too...and he said okay.
(i said this a long time ago, or at least to me it was? i dunno, i'm bad with time). anyway...he told me my
birthday present would be late because he was working on it.
i went to my desk and he hung up this mobile he had made of a parachute and clouds.

the whole thing represents, to me, that dreams are beautiful and beauty is everywhere.
All in all, it made me feel special to have something so unique and one of a kind given to me from my dear friend for my
birthday.
And for God to immediately bring me back to what He's teaching me. To dream big dreams, bigger than i can even think...and that it is good for my soul to dream.


my prayer of blessing for you as you go is this:

that you feel God's love for you so deeply that it couldn't be any other thing...that you'd just KNOW in your soul that you are adored by the King of Kings and that He cares for you, even the silliest things, he cares about those because He will stop at nothing to make you feel special, to make you feel loved, to show you He cares.
and that He releases more joy than you will know what to do with this Christmas.

You are loved and You are cherished.

grace and mercy
you're confronting me daily.

these past few weeks and months have whisked by like tiny gazelles.
it's december already.

four years ago i felt so alone. on an island surrounded by people who did not know me.
or that part of me, my Denver family.
my heart was torn up.

i spent almost an entire year trying to figure out some deep issues with the Lord.
once i thought i figured it out or had some clarity on it all...i received a phone call from one of my best
friends.
that two of our friends were shot.
hyperventilating...i started saying: they're gonna be okay (and continued repeating it to myself)...people around me
were praying. i called a ton of people telling them to pray (demanding it).

i do not know how i fell asleep that night.
when i awoke my friend Dave asked me if i was okay and i told him i couldn't talk, i had to call my friend.

so i called my friend Will and he told me she was gone.

and i broke.
i broke in more than just two pieces.
because after what seemed like a lifetime of questions (or at least 11 years)...i thought i had them answered.
i thought they were done for.
but now, i had so many more things to ask God.
i needed some heart surgery. because it was broken.

four years later. living in this city. working where i do.
i just feel blessed.

i miss her and do not understand.
i still have a lot of questions and a lot of desires...but i'm so grateful.
to have known someone so loving.
all the time...and so funny. and beautiful.

like i said four years ago.
she was pure sunshine.
she radiated God's love and it was beautiful.


i'm grateful///