thoughts come out the most at night, but for whatever reason i stop them from getting onto paper. or at least lately, i haven't given myself permission. maybe because i am ridiculous.. yes, most likely.
so tonight i wrote a letter and while writing i was reminded of my Dad. I do not have many memories and they are mostly scattered because i do not give myself time and space to really think and remember. As a kid i went to too many counseling sessions and was made to remember my Father. I think this has deterred me as an adult. that i want to now, and of course now, i cannot.
how sad...but whatever.
I tried falling back asleep after the tears came and my mind remember one of the most important men of my adult life: my Grandfather.
Literally one of the best men i know.
He took all of us grandkids out to Maui for a week as a special treat. to be together and eat yummy food and be in the ocean (again, one of my most favorite things).
One day, while at the beach he warned me of the rip tide, that it flows underneath the water and to be aware of it, because if i swim and get caught, then it takes you under etc etc.
I listened, but maybe i didn't and maybe i was too persistent that i should still be in the water? i can't remember. I DO however, remember. getting caught up in it.
I was so scared and completely pulled under. maybe for five minutes. I think he pulled me out, i was crying (most likely) and it's interesting looking back and thinking about it.
He warned me because he loved me so much and didn't want to see me get hurt, but still i went for it.
I don't know what the point of this story is yet, but maybe i'll get clarity in the morning. I guess it just feels good to be so loved by someone that they want to help you, save you from the scary parts of life.
I realized tonight as i cried about missing my Dad, that the memories no longer unravel who i am as a human being. That grief is still a part of my life, but it is not my entire being. and it cannot be, because I experience joy. That i traded my ashes for beauty. and that's what i wear now.
That my emotions throughout life have been valid. that at some moments i let them overtake me and drown me a little, because i needed it. To learn, to learn that life will get messy and you lose your breath, for five minutes or five months, but that you regain composure and you learn from each circumstance.
You learn who you are as a person. You learn to appreciate the gift of relationship with your family, your friends, your work colleagues, etc.
You learn to appreciate the beauty of each day, because whether we like it or not, we only get one life to live. (omg, soap opera). And what good is it if we waste it feeling overwhelmed. you know? not like it's bad to be overwhelmed but i hate the days where i feel overly sad.
Not to say those things are real, they are, those days exist because pain is real.
But the thankful heart brings me back.
thankful to have known such beautiful people. To have had the chance of having a Dad who loved me, a grampa who cared enough to warn me of the scary things and dangerous things in life. a friend who would always send an encouraging text or voicemail just because, and uncle who always hugged me extra tightly and called me sweetheart, and a friend who always said that I'm beautiful and listened to my sadness and helped me walk through it. Even when i guess i couldn't help enough, couldn't say enough of how beautiful and perfect she was. that the sadness and darkness overcame her. that she is gone forever and I've lost yet another beautiful soul to this world.
But the thing is: these people have helped show me who i am, they told me things about myself that i may have not seen otherwise. That it was okay to be vulnerable with them. And that the rip tide took me under for a while, in this life. But i am a stronger woman because of it and i can't help but shout that I'm grateful for the life i get to live each day. That i don't want to squander it or anything. That i can't help but tell everyone how much a i love them. I don't care how much i already tell my friends but i just want to keep telling them, because they are beautiful creatures and because this is our life.
okay, end of random post.