2 in one week?!

i feel so loved by Jesus. Its like: i know who He is, but its been glimpses. I feel tonight this overwhelming sense of love. I keep crying, i guess it's tears of joy...knowing more of His heart for my life. for our future together...I keep hearing Him say that He is deeply satisfied with me. Its just crazy how loved we really are; each of us loved so much by the Creator. I love that He loves us so much that he wants to speak through us, to bring life to dead places. to bring hope to hopeless. to stomp out injustices and let purity triumph
its insane, really, it is.

My best friend has never screwed me over, never trampled on my heart, never abandoned me in darkest emptiest times of my life. His hands have always been guarding my heart. His whispers were there to guide me with the things that scared me, with the things that still scare me at times. It feels like i'm able to embrace more of Him, trust more of Him, and love more of Him.

Its so good. This life i get to live...
He brings reconciliation to areas of my life and heart i didn't think could be touched. And THAT brings joy into my life. Like a bit more joy and less of the bitterness that used to so easily entangle who I truly am. A joyful girl, a strong woman, a loved daughter...Just so loved.
Someone prayed over me a long time ago that i would see God in each situation of extreme hurt. The indescribable kind. And i did at the time. But now, its like i can sense it all. It is so overwhelming hearing His song in my ears. It is so beautiful. And it probably isn't all of it, but it is so amazing. In my areas of weakness His strength pushes me through and He's shown me how to stand. Its so cool, to be loved unconditionally. I still don't understand...

He's so good. so so good.

responsibility

...I went to Portland two weeks ago with some friends. It was amazing being back in the city i grew up in. My childhood was spent in a suburb just outside the city.
My dad worked hard in that city. We didn't see him very much, because he was always working, always providing for us. He would come home from work when we were seated ready to eat, as he walked in the door we would run and hug him. He'd ask us about our day and we'd tell him all about it. He loved each of us so much. He really did...a few times we got to go with him to his office, where he'd show us off proudly. Zach & I had extremely important jobs of stuffing envelopes. We would get payed five dollars an hour and even had our own name badges. Once Alexis and I went ice skating with him at the mall. Everytime he would leave for a business trip he'd bring us back something special. The last gift i remember receiving from a business trip was a white bear with a blue ribbon that said chicago...the last birthday i spent with him I was nine years old. He never smiled with his teeth, but he made jokes a lot. He would get us dressed for church on sundays that my Mom sang in the choir...she made us wear the ugliest matching dresses. In our last family photo we wore sunflower dresses, i wore my pooh bear watch and just as the photographer was about to snap the photo i laughed. I hate that picture, because i still feel like i look ridiculous, but he loved it. I miss hearing him saying things to me, i wish i could remember more of the conversations we would have about the trivial things in my life. The trivial things that seemed SO important to him. I wish i could know more of him. My heart hurts in places it never should. It will always hurt because of the loss, the only thing is, is that the pain comes in different places at different times. And each different time, i readjust myself to take it on, to embrace it, to give it up, and to move on...once more. A bit less burdened each time.

whoa whoa whoa

sometimes it seems like i'm not going to do things right. like sometimes i think that i'm not walking the way i should w/ God. and then on wednesday we were in worship and he was telling me all this stuff and i was crying because it was so incredible. He is incredible. His faithfulness amidst my doubt and insecurities keeps me secure.
i found out that sometimes when children are crying its because they want to be held closer and i guess that's my true heart's desire as well. to be held closer, with each step i take toward His throneroom, i just want more. I want more so that i can go out in boldness and strength. That i can be certain of what i don't see and won't see, but i can be certain of Him who holds me so tightly and lovingly. Such a gentle person, such a heart to love me. a messed up little lady whom he, somehow treasures.
It is incredible, it is amazing, it is and will probably always be a mystery.

thank you for giving me the strength to stand, thank you for carrying me these past few years and for showing me how to stand and how to walk. thank you for being all the things i am not, thank you for showing and extending to me Your grace and goodness. Thankyou that i can trust love. fully and completely. I pray that through this weekend and this next year and everything that Your soul would be permeating my heart so that i can do your work God.
let me be willing. Let me remember the big picture and the little moments and the things you want for me. Thank you for wanting the highest and best for me even though it sucks sometimes because i want everything to happen RIGHT NOW, i know that your timing is good. i know that Your words are true and i love it. i love it i love it so much.
You brighten my day
You give peace to my heart
You let me trust
You trust ME with Your kids and give me
Better plans.
Thank you God. Thanks so much.