responsibility

...I went to Portland two weeks ago with some friends. It was amazing being back in the city i grew up in. My childhood was spent in a suburb just outside the city.
My dad worked hard in that city. We didn't see him very much, because he was always working, always providing for us. He would come home from work when we were seated ready to eat, as he walked in the door we would run and hug him. He'd ask us about our day and we'd tell him all about it. He loved each of us so much. He really did...a few times we got to go with him to his office, where he'd show us off proudly. Zach & I had extremely important jobs of stuffing envelopes. We would get payed five dollars an hour and even had our own name badges. Once Alexis and I went ice skating with him at the mall. Everytime he would leave for a business trip he'd bring us back something special. The last gift i remember receiving from a business trip was a white bear with a blue ribbon that said chicago...the last birthday i spent with him I was nine years old. He never smiled with his teeth, but he made jokes a lot. He would get us dressed for church on sundays that my Mom sang in the choir...she made us wear the ugliest matching dresses. In our last family photo we wore sunflower dresses, i wore my pooh bear watch and just as the photographer was about to snap the photo i laughed. I hate that picture, because i still feel like i look ridiculous, but he loved it. I miss hearing him saying things to me, i wish i could remember more of the conversations we would have about the trivial things in my life. The trivial things that seemed SO important to him. I wish i could know more of him. My heart hurts in places it never should. It will always hurt because of the loss, the only thing is, is that the pain comes in different places at different times. And each different time, i readjust myself to take it on, to embrace it, to give it up, and to move on...once more. A bit less burdened each time.