sometimes i am scared of emotions because i know they hurt sometimes.


i can't believe a bunch of kids woke up yesterday ate breakfast went to school to learn and were murdered.

i can't believe a bunch of kids woke up yesterday, ate breakfast, stood outside and lined up for school and were stabbed.

i can't believe that once people are gone...all you have left are memories and paper.


that's all you get.

i'm so thankful for friendship and family.

I'm thankful to be loved so deeply by the Lord. I'm thankful for the song "mango tree" by angus & julia stone

i'm thankful for a day of sleeping in.
allowing emotions to surface.
going home in six days.
knowing beautiful people and being loved by family...
getting to hug a stranger today & hopefully make them feel loved.

i just want to love better.

i'm disappointed in myself, i guess. for not always doing my best.

i'm thankful for people who saw me when i was hurting badly and didn't even know it myself. because of those people, i'm alive today.

i'm thankful for iron + wine pandora station, stress relief candles, clean water to drink, and having peace.

i'm thankful for laughter. i'm thankful for my godson, who just found out i'm his godmother (a few days ago) and was excited. that everytime i talk with him he asks me where my dinosaur is....his memory. his laughter, silliness.

i'm thankful for my smallest friends and all they've taught me throughout the years.

i'm thankful for people i've met and have yet to meet.
that i can choose to love.

::currently::

feeling: refreshed. spent monday in the mountains with friends...oh man, good for the soul.

listening to: chuck ragan, loud harp & keeping the ipod on shuffle. (living life on the edge)

reading: minding frankie and the alchemist. every time i pick up the alchemist i like to have my journal with me to write down a quote from the book.
Here is one i really enjoy.

"at that point in their lives, everything is clear and everything is possible. They are not afraid to dream, and to yearn for everything they would like to see happen to them in their lives. but, as time passes, a mysterious force begins to convince them that it will be impossible for them to realize their personal legend."

learning: how to dream and knowing that dreaming is good. i have, unforunately, lived the majority of my life with a fatalistic mindset and i am unlearning that to relearn the child like life.

thinking about: taking time for myself and valuing who i am more...taking time to feed my soul. and keeping in touch with long distance friends and family.

thankful: for facetime, texting, days off where i can adventure and be at peace in a new setting. dreaming and not being afraid, while still be a little afraid...red nail polish! glitter and red lip stick. and earl grey tea this morning. what a blessing.


happy wednesday! i love you.

i never thought i'd be a girl who cries in parking lots, but i am that girl. I received a card from my aunt filled with photos of my family and it just made me cry and it was so beautiful to be alone, in my car, letting my tears come. to have family so beautiful, as my very own...and the memories of love and life that go along with that...it so amazing. I feel honored, to have my family as my very own. forever. I am reminded of a teaching of the unexpected tears and how we need to just let them come. I think my pride is breaking down and my eyes are being opened that emotions will not destroy me, being emotional is healthy and sometimes you just need to release your emotions. I'm so grateful that i am not a robot, that i have made the conscience decision to allow myself to feel. I lived halfway of my life trying and pushing away from the emotions, because they felt so deep and were so deep and still are so deep, but there is so much beauty amidst it all. Overall, just feeling grateful and astonished and peaceful, in a way.

rip tide.

thoughts come out the most at night, but for whatever reason i stop them from getting onto paper. or at least lately, i haven't given myself permission. maybe because i am ridiculous.. yes, most likely. okay so tonight i wrote a letter and while writing i was reminded of my Dad. I do not have many memories and they are mostly scattered because i do not give myself time and space to really think and remember. As a kid i went to too many counseling sessions and was made to remember my Father. I think this has deterred me as an adult. that i want to now, and of course now, i cannot. how sad...but whatever. I tried falling back asleep after the tears came and my mind remember one of the most important men of my adult life: my Grandfather. Literally one of the best men i know. He took all of us grandkids out to Maui for a week as a special treat. to be together and eat yummy food and be in the ocean (again, one of my most favorite things). One day, while at the beach he warned me of the rip tide, that it flows underneath the water and to be aware of it, because if i swim and get caught, then it takes you under etc etc. I listened, but maybe i didn't and maybe i was too persistent that i should still be in the water? i can't remember. I DO however, remember. getting caught up in it. I was so scared and completely pulled under. maybe for five minutes. I think he pulled me out, i was crying (most likely) and it's interesting looking back and thinking about it. He warned me because he loved me so much and didn't want to see me get hurt, but still i went for it. I don't know what the point of this story is yet, but maybe i'll get clarity in the morning. I guess it just feels good to be so loved by someone that they want to help you, save you from the scary parts of life. I realized tonight as i cried about missing my Dad, that the memories no longer unravel who i am as a human being. That grief is still a part of my life, but it is not my entire being. and it cannot be, because I experience joy. That i traded my ashes for beauty. and that's what i wear now. That my emotions throughout life have been valid. that at some moments i let them overtake me and drown me a little, because i needed it. To learn, to learn that life will get messy and you lose your breath, for five minutes or five months, but that you regain composure and you learn from each circumstance. You learn who you are as a person. You learn to appreciate the gift of relationship with your family, your friends, your work colleagues, etc. You learn to appreciate the beauty of each day, because whether we like it or not, we only get one life to live. (omg, soap opera). And what good is it if we waste it feeling overwhelmed. you know? not like it's bad to be overwhelmed but i hate the days where i feel overly sad. Not to say those things are real, they are, those days exist because pain is real. But the thankful heart brings me back. thankful to have known such beautiful people. To have had the chance of having a Dad who loved me, a grampa who cared enough to warn me of the scary things and dangerous things in life. a friend who would always send an encouraging text or voicemail just because, and uncle who always hugged me extra tightly and called me sweetheart, and a friend who always said that I'm beautiful and listened to my sadness and helped me walk through it. Even when i guess i couldn't help enough, couldn't say enough of how beautiful and perfect she was. that the sadness and darkness overcame her. that she is gone forever and I've lost yet another beautiful soul to this world. But the thing is: these people have helped show me who i am, they told me things about myself that i may have not seen otherwise. That it was okay to be vulnerable with them. And that the rip tide took me under for a while, in this life. But i am a stronger woman because of it and i can't help but shout that I'm grateful for the life i get to live each day. That i don't want to squander it or anything. That i can't help but tell everyone how much a i love them. I don't care how much i already tell my friends but i just want to keep telling them, because they are beautiful creatures and because this is our life. okay, end of random post. love love.

thursday

today's goodness. wearing SLIPPERS! for the 2nd night in a row. relaxing to new music. laughing a lot. being silly and ridiculous and knowing it is one hundred percent okay. seven other people possibly wanting to go to brazil with me. :) chipped nail polish. comfy socks. wearing the best sweater of all days today. feeling COZY and not SWEATY! yayyaya. OH and hot coffee this morning. being loved by a Lord who knows me inside and out and it's just like: oh, hey! no big deal. lets keep going on rad adventures together because that's my heart for you and how i made you. and Him being SO freaking patient with me. to come to a better understanding of myself in Him... these lyrics: "hold on i feel like you could shine a little brighter, my love just like you did when you were younger underneath the copper wires and the floor boards that creep, i hope you never end." ::pioneers, by the lighthouse and the whaler::

relaxing is actually hard for me to do. at the end of my week i want to hang out with friends and i do, but sometimes i just chill in my house and watch tv on my laptop. I know it won't necessarily benefit me, but it feels so good to stop my brain. unless...my mind wants to just stop. which it has lately. lately, i've been realizing that yes, watching tv is nice, but to value the silence. my roommate ran a half marathon on saturday and then trevor hall play a few songs afterward. ((love his voice)) anyway, waking up early on saturday took the life out of me. (hilarious, right?) so i was reading and then i fell asleep. no music was playing, there was no noise. it was just silent. it was nice. i don't give myself enough room to solely enjoy a moment. i have to take a picture, or show someone or do something....but i think lately i've realized that it's important to just treasure moments. i'll still be the girl wanting to take a picture to capture the moment, but every now and then i want to try and just...chill out. relax. realize that life is very special and to realize that. it's all going to be okay. in the long run of everything, with all the nutty-ness of a week. all the conversations i'll have to have. with everything and anything. it will all work out. it will all be beautiful. it's just how i'll choose to see the beauty. I don't embrace stress or anxiety. I walk in peace and embrace peace. casting my cares on the one who cares most. and giving myself rest from everything. trusting in the One most consistent and persistent is special. life is a gift. it's just taking the time away from the noise. taking it all away and just being here. it's good. more thoughts later this week. xo

When i was in Israel. We spent a day in Tel Aviv at the beach. We layed in the sun. I learned that spray on sunscreen actually needs to be rubbed in. We laughed and relaxed and napped all day. I swam in the Mediterranean. Pretty much all day. and got burnt like a little lobster. The ocean & the sea. Swimming brings so much release. It makes me think of being a kid, makes me feel younger, it fills me with joy. It shows me how blessed i am every time i get to go. Just thinking about the ocean tonight and how much i love it.

Revelations while texting.

revelation i received while texting my friend today. and first of all, God is growing my faith. it is a beautiful process. it is a lovely thing. He is so faithful. Here's what i realized today: I prayed for healing for her body completely and she's going in to see if her white blood cells went up or down or whatever. I just don't want her to have pain and cancer anymore. And it's totally Jesus because i've not believed in healing before but the Holy Spirit has totally shown me through being in the middle east that JEsus truly did do all of it for us to live in freedom on earth. And the Father taught us to pray: thy kingdom come thy will be done on earth as in heaven, which means our bodies should be in full alignment with His Spirit, so that we can live life and life abundantly everyday. It's crazy because God is growing me in my faith and building it up. I realize that it is new, but i realize also that His mercy's are new every single morning. Which means that when i wake up i have a new opportunity to see through His perspective. This means i get to see EVERYTHING through his eyes. If i don't like my body or whatever it may be, i can just ask Him what He sees. I get to ask Him if there's something specific He has for me. I like Him because He really is the nicest man i know. i like him because He is the ultimate patience in life. I'm realizing that i am a human being guided by His Spirit. the Spirit of the sovereign Lord is upon me to preach good news. this means i must apply action. I do not want to use words, i just want to be love to those i meet. The most impactful relationships i have had in my 24 years are the ones who don't necessarily speak often, but they show me they love me. i realize the importance of action. after all, it's the way you live, not the way you speak that counts. (James 3) just a few thoughts that i wanted to share. Thanks for taking time out of your day to read these words. I pray that it refreshes your soul. and that it makes you ask more questions. The best thing about God (or one of the things i'm appreciating at this moment) is that He doesn't get wary of listening to our questions and He doesn't mind that they come in the trillions. He likes you a lot. Happy Tuesday dear ones.

reflecting on the middle east. i've just begun my reflection time beginning last week and into this week. i will post things i've learned through many people and many circumstances. but tonight i am here to write about one of my best friends. to my Nicky, first of all, how did i get so blessed and so lucky to have you as my sister? You have such a strength within you that i don't see in many people. You love bravely and give so much of yourself to others. You give your time, you give your resources, you are constantly giving your best for others. you are a true friend, you are a true light in this world. you choose to see the best in people. you are very honest, which is one of my favorite things in another person. i admire that in you. i admire your ability to see a weakness and choose to correct it, then move on with the Lord. I love that you are not afraid to be beautiful, i love that you're pushing forward amidst storms and chaos. i love that you choose to believe, even when you can't necessarily see or understand, you keep your feet planted in the rock who's higher than you. i love that you are bold. i love that only YOU can make me laugh so hard and i love the connection we have. i thank God for you everyday, because you push me to be a better woman. Thank you for being such an example of grace to me Nic, i love you truly and from the bottom of my heart. my prayer for you this beautiful first year of your TWENTIES! (when did we get so old?) is that you open up your heart even more to receive this crazy good love our Father has for us. That He enriches you with wisdom and blesses you with more JOY. and that you understand him more and more as Your redeemer and that you feel goodness wash over you. remember honey: i carry your heart. always. xo allison lois harrison

today God spoke to me something my heart needed to hear *yet again, it seems*


"you can trust Me."


my heart has not been processing much of anything lately, because i have a tendency to think if i do not think about the things in life, then maybe, they don't exist. Or maybe, they won't come to pass.
These things are lies i tell myself, to bring myself comfort. It's funny because i know the greatest comforter of them all (Jesus) and i choose to ignore the hurt, put on a brave girl face, and walk forward...which is fine, but i have learned throughout life so far that God is about getting to the root of our pains, and working through them to bring good out of our grief.

about a month ago i was staying with our school at the mountain campus because we shared our speaker with the other DTS running up there. i was texting my best friend, keeping her updated on "the hap's" up in the mountains. the 3 of us ended up skyping for a little bit because i had time...and it was good. Dakota and Colleen had gone to barnes and noble and were catching me up on their days...i honestly can't remember what we talked about, we were just trying to plan our next hangout sesh with all 3 of our busy schedules...it can get tricky.

Anyway, Colleen said she wanted to talk to me, so we planned for lunch on friday of that week, because i would be down the mountain.
I saw Dakota on thursday night, because i needed to grab some things from the house (see: down comforter, i was fahhh---reeezingggg! up in the mountains!) and she seemed kind of down, not like herself...

i thought it was because i was gone and the house just gets lonely when one housemate is missing from the mix...so i hugged her twice before i left, told her i loved her, and that i'd be back in one more week (as we had another week up in the mountains).

driving up the mountain, i was contemplating what could be hurting her so much?

I didn't think a lot about it, but just prayed that she could feel God close to her, because He's the best comforter of our souls in every situation.

that night as i was falling asleep, i felt a jolt in my Spirit and thought: Colleen is moving! i began to cry, panic, then fall back asleep, but not before texting Dakota asking if it was true.

she never texted back, i was stressed as we drove back down the mountain, thinking about whether or not one of my best friend's might be moving.
ANYWAY.
we had lunch at our house, as i walked in they both looked somber so i just asked what was happening?
she filled me in:
Her husband got his dream job! and had an interview out in California.

we sat at the table and cried, because it's so bittersweet seeing people move forward....into new adventure and direction.

This friday the three of us will be road tripping out to California...to move our best friend into her new city.
We will explore, we will breathe ocean air of San Francisco (beautiful place, with beautiful people) and we will celebrate.

Life is beautiful, no matter what. i really do think it. and i realize it is a bold statement, but i think if we continue to look, we can find the beauty in life.

I'm so excited, that one of my best friends is married, and going on this adventure with her man. They are embracing a completely new place, together, and just being married. It's pretty sweet.

And on the upside, now this gives me and Dakota more reason's to visit California!

God is so gracious, to tell me, before she told me. That she was moving.
I needed it, i needed the forewarning.



Anyway, I think mainly i wanted to write this post because i just love God.
I love that He's consistent and constant, He cares and He's so personal.
He is so infinite, but he wants relationship with us, He wants to protect us from things and He
wants us to grow. He wants us to be closer and He still gives us our space.
He is my protector He is my refuge, He is my strength. i couldn't do anything without him, because
i'm born needing Him. i'm born needing to live life for Him and i want to do that.

i think right now i'm just trying to not live my life based on my emotions, but to recognize that it's healthy
to have emotions, but to continue to ask God for His perspective on life, cause i need to know what He's thinking
too.

beautiful Jesus

If only we could be a bit more like Him, the world would be transformed. When I look at the Cross of Christ, what I see up there is all my s--- and everybody else's. So I ask myself a question a lot of people have asked: Who is this man? And was He who He said He was, or was He just a religious nut? And there it is, and that's the question. And no one can talk you into it or out of it. *Bono*


whole article:::

http://www.thepoachedegg.net/the-poached-egg/2010/09/bono-interview-grace-over-karma.html

it's all about perspective:::


my car wasn't working a few weeks ago, then i went on vacation, then i came home and one of my good friends
totally fixed it! within an hour.

so it's been running great for like a week and half and then it totally stopped working again. i didn't know what to do, then i texted my friend & told him what was up and he was like: oh, okay. i'll be there in a second.
i texted my other friend to tell her i couldn't come over anymore, b/c i was stuck at chipotle..and then she said oh, i'll be there in a second.

i was getting all flustered and semi-stressed (like i tend to do, little bit dramatic over here...workin' on it)...so they both showed up in like ten minutes from me talking w/ them and my friend tried to fix my car. it didn't end up working out but by the end of the hour of trying different ways to fix it we were all cracking jokes and laughing.

i was reflecting on this at work the other day and realized how blessed i am.
i have friends in my life who just drop whatever they're doing to come help me. not for any specific reason really, just because they care. God shows me He loves me through so many different things, and in those instances it was through my amazing friends.
I can't believe how lucky i got, and i how blessed i am to be surrounded by such beautiful people on a day to day basis. and even when those beautiful people live in so many different places, like California, Canada, Arizona, Mexico, whatever....we're still able to keep in touch through phone conversations or the magic of Skype!


I got to spend Christmas in the desert with one of my favorite people in the world (and also, i am pretty sure the only one who reads my blog?) reminisce on our beautiful family, spend my new years with my best friend, and so far just soak in the beauty that is Colorado winter.

today i woke up then went to run errands with my best friend and just have fun. when we came home it was just beginning to snow.
snow is one of my favorite things.
i also got to drink my favorite chai today.
i went to a one year old's birthday (my godson Levi Breaker)....also, when did i become the girl who got excited about a one year old's birthday party? who knows, probably when the kids started getting so darn cute! oh man, he's a looker for sure. he's such a joy and such a little love!

i love that i see my friends having families. i love that i've known someone for so long, saw him fall in love, saw him get married, and today i saw him celebrate his son's birthday! life is so magical. it's such a beautiful gift.

friendship.
wintertime.
laughter.
peace.
joy.
everything is such a gift and i like opening it up each day. i like starting and seeing and trusting and knowing the goodness of God.

i like that God cares and that God provides (even in the craziest situations) i like being friends with God.


what do you like about life right now?

comment below!


please remember:
you are beautiful and you are loved.

new years eve was perfect.

i made my first chicken dish EVER! and it was delicious. she made biscuits and we watched a movie and chilled.

i fell asleep at 11:15..and then woke up this morning at 8:30.

i'm excited about this fresh new year.


have a great new years day everyone.
you are loved.